Keep Moving On
by glowoffantasy
Summary: It's a struggle everyday. Daryl/OC. Rated M for language and sexual content.
1. Introduction

**A/N: **Let me state this clearly once: I do not own any rights to The Walking Dead, its characters or any commercial product affiliated with the brand. I am writing this story for the the fun of writing, I have no commercial interest or gain. I have no profitable affiliation to the creative product that is The Walking Dead, or its owners and license holders. I am not trying to infringe on copyright. All of the dialogues and situation that does not involve, including some dialogues and situations that does involve my OC Jessica McLennan, are taken from the show and used to shape context and understanding of the story line. I do not take credit for this, I do not own this, I am simply writing in a OC in the world that is The Walking Dead for my own pure satisfaction.

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We left everything but some essential things behind. We knew we had to bring the gun in order to survive, but we also brought some blankets, clothes, food, water and gas.

And when we left, we didn't leave in a fashionable sense. We ran. We ran for our lives.

Everything happened so ridiculously fast – within days the virus had spread and many of my friends had become flesh-eating monsters. Later, I heard someone call them 'walkers', and I guess it stuck. The dead had risen, as though the apocalypse was coming. They did so in massive amounts, outnumbering the living after mere weeks. By then it was already too late. The government responded too slowly, and the army – the stupid fucking army – did not have enough manpower or ammunition. They couldn't protect anybody, and in the end they couldn't even protect themselves.

My name is Jessica, and I fled the city together with my younger brother Keith. They told us to go to Atlanta, that we would find shelter there. All we found was death. We got stuck in traffic, and after a while people came to the conclusion that walking would be faster than waiting for traffic that wouldn't move. Keith and I joined the exodus to Atlanta. But then a really big group of walkers came walking from behind. Our backs weren't covered and many people died. If not by the undead, they died because of the panic – people got squished to death, trampled on and left behind. The walkers managed to get to Keith. I hid in a car and pulled a dead body on top of me to mask my smell. When the walkers moved on hours later, Keith's excruciating screams still rang in my ears. I saw him trip, bang his head and get knocked out. I tried to save him, but the walkers had already spotted him. He was bleeding heavily and the walkers devoured him.

I witnessed everything. The horror and the stench of the corpses almost knocked me out, while at the same time preventing me from drifting off. I couldn't cry, because I didn't want to make any sound that might betray the fact that I was alive. Those hours, there on that highway and under that corpse watching my brother die were the most excruciating hours of my life. My little brother was shredded to pieces and eaten right in front of me. I thought about jumping into the group of walkers, to let them have me too. But my instincts told me 'no', I went into survival mode and I wanted to live.

When the walkers moved on, I felt like I could finally breathe again. I pushed the dead body off of me, which took some strength, and I got up to my knees. I looked around my, making sure that there were really no walkers around. Then, I slowly made my way to whatever was left of my brother. When I saw him, his mangled body and bloody face, I broke down. I started bawling my eyes out. I couldn't help myself anymore. All those hours underneath that corpse listening to my brother dying caught up with me.

I don't know how long I spent weeping, but all of the sorrows of the past weeks came out. I was completely alone. I lost all my family and friends, even my dog. I had no place to go, no friendly faces to look forward to. I felt like I had no future anymore either. I was a Law student in at Mercer University in Macon before all of this began. I wanted to become a lawyer. Not a real valuable survival skill to have.

When I came to my senses I felt surprisingly clear and empty. I grabbed Keith's backpack, took out his bottle of water, flashlight, dry socks and food. Then, I started walking in opposite direction of the walker. And I just kept walking.


	2. Chapter 1

I was somewhere in Georgia, walking on a crowded highway full of abandoned cars.

It was summer and the sun was blazing hot. I'd found an old, green John Deere truckers cap in an empty car and I was currently wearing it to prevent sunburn.

I looked and smelled awful. I hadn't showered in days, I was sweaty and the stench of the walker sting lingered in my clothes. I kept walking down the highway, but I realized that sooner or later I would have to get into the woods to find fresh water. I was running out, and I knew I had to keep hydrated in this heat. The only thing was: I was scared to go there. I'd heard noises at night coming out of the woods, and I had no idea what was out there. I suspected walkers of course, but I didn't know how to fight them, they were dead for Christ's sake! I had the gun, but I didn't want to use it. Noise attracted the walkers, and that was the last thing I needed.

Something in the back of my mind told me to keep walking, and if there was one thing I learned through all this mess, was to trust my instincts. So I did.

After several hours my instinct finally proved itself right once again. I saw an RV about a quarter of a mile ahead and someone was pacing on top of it. I thought that it might be walkers, but deep down, I knew it wouldn't be. The thought of some friendly human interaction excited me and I picked up my pace.

When I got closer I started waving my hands above my head – I needed to get noticed, but I had learned that loud noises attracted walkers. The man on the RV saw me and panicked a little. It was getting darker and I guess he couldn't see whether I was a walker or not.

Then, suddenly, I heard moans approaching from my right. I was only yards away from the RV and I started to panic. I couldn't die now! Before I realized what I happened, I got tackled from the side and a biting walker landed on top of me. I knew that I couldn't get bit, so I tried to push the walker back, but it was so strong! I was tired and weak, and I couldn't fight it off for much longer. I yelped out, hoping that the man on the RV could come and help, but I didn't hear anything other than the biting sounds right in front of my face. I wanted to reach for my gun, but I needed both my hands to fend off the walker. As the walker's mouth came closer to my face, I lost hope that the man from the RV would save me.


	3. Chapter 2

Here I was, in the middle of fucking nowhere about to die because a fucking zombie wanted to eat me. I had lost everybody I ever cared for, I was angry at the world and I was losing hope.

This was not how my life was supposed to be! I was supposed to be successful, a woman in leadership, inspiring other women to pursue a life with meaning and to do good in the world. Now, I was a refugee and I couldn't even take care of myself. So far, it seemed more like I was still alive due to my stupidity rather than brilliant survival techniques. What was left out there for me?

I stared the walker in the eyes – those grey, dead looking eyes – and I saw my own reflection. I looked horrible; my hair was messy and in many ways I resembled the walkers: I looked dead. I realized that I wanted the walker to eat me. Things would be over then, and there would be no more misery. At least it would happen when I decided that I was ready, at the moment when I would decide that the walker could eat me. That it didn't eat me because I wasn't strong enough to defend myself, but because I surrendered to it. I couldn't live like a refugee any longer. I wanted to die.

I was about to cave and let the walker have his meal, when suddenly an arrow blew through the walker's head and killed it. Its head landed on my chest and I let out a cry in disgust. I was able to push the body off of me with all the strength I could muster.

"Well well, what do we have here?"

I looked up to where the voice was coming from. As soon as I found the striking face the voice belonged to, a crossbow pointing at my face.

"Oh no, I don't think so," the man responded when I tried to find my gun.

I held up my hands in defeat. "I guess you got me now. Are you gonna shoot me or what?"

I was sick and tired of living my life like this, always on the run and never being safe. I wanted it to be over with, and when he would shoot me, at least I knew I wasn't going to turn into one of those monsters.

The man squinted his eyes at my remark and stared at me. He didn't say anything, just stared me in the eyes. It felt more uncomfortable than anything I'd every felt and I looked away.

After a few seconds, when I regained my composure, I looked back up at him. "Well? I'd rather you do it quickly." I snapped at him, knowing he wouldn't do it. I was angry and upset, and I was taking it out on the stranger.

"Not now, not yet. But you will have to answer some questions." He lowered his bow and started searching me. After he'd covered my head and arms, he went to my legs and stomach. He pulled up my shirt, but that's when I slapped his hands away. I was shocked at my own action, but he just looked at me. "I need to see if you got bit. I'm not here to rape you." I quietly nodded my head and lifted up my shirt. I was clean – well, bite free. Then, he grabbed some rope from his pack and moved to tie my arms behind my back.

"I'm gonna tie you up, but it's only for our own safety. If you resist, I will hurt you. Not kill you, but hurt you, until you really wish you were dead. You got that?" he clarified in a threatening voice. I nodded in comprehension

His voice was lighter than I had expected, with a southern accent. It reminded me of a young boy's voice, not the hunter he seemed to be. The man had short brown hair, a scruffy beard and a muscular built. He could take me on any day. I got up, handed over my backpack and my gun, after which put the rope around my wrists. He pushed me forward a little to indicate I should start walking in the direction of the RV. When we got closer I heard soft voices and the blazing, crackling sound a campfire makes. It was a short walk to the makeshift camp on the road.

When we walked in, 5 guns immediately pointed at us, but as they saw the man behind me, they eased. After a quick count, I knew there were 8 people in the group, including my saviour. The women looked at me with sceptical eyes, while the man seemed rather threatening and unforgiving.

The man behind me spoke up. "Found this one pretty close. She wasn't bit." I looked back at him and he gave me a meaningful stare. It reminded me of my dad and how he could command me by looking me in the eyes real good. I needed to thank my saviour later.

When I turned back to the group, they had relaxed a little bit.

Another man stepped forward. He was wearing a sheriff's outfit; the hat, the star, the whole package. It was weird to see a man in uniform who was not out to eat my flesh. He looked tired, but his voice was strong.

"Hi, my name is Rick Grimes, I used to be a deputy sheriff. What's your name?"

I looked at him, contemplated my answer, and replied: "Jessica. Jessica McLennan."

"Well, Jessica, what are you doing out here all by yourself."

After a short pause, I answered. "Surviving, I guess. I lost my family back in Macon. My brother and I heard about a shelter in Atlanta, but by the time we made it to the city, everybody was already dead. We headed this way, but we ran across a herd and-" My voice stopped working and I could feel the tears burning in my eyes again. My arm wanted to go up to my nose to wipe it automatically, but the rope prevented that. I must've looked like one big scared mess.

After I was able to breath again, I continued. "When the herd came, I hid in a car under a body, but my brother tripped and-" more tears followed and I couldn't finish the sentence. Images of my brother being eaten flashed back into my mind; the memories that were so fresh came back vividly. I chocked up and I snivelled loudly.

A woman walked up cautiously to hand me a piece of cloth that looked like it came from an old shirt. She held it to my face as I used it to dry the tears get the snot out of my face. I muttered a soft 'thanks', and the woman smiled kindly at me. I could have sworn I heard a 'disgusting' coming from my saviour's lips.

The people had now gathered in a group and were whispering to each other. They were out of earshot, but I was certain they were discussing my future. After what seemed forever, Rick turned around to me. "You can stay for the night, but you'll be off tomorrow. We can't have another mouth to feed."

I looked at him in disbelief. "You might as well shoot me now, because I sure as hell will be killed if I go out there by myself. At least have the damn guts to admit that you'll be killing me by doing it yourself."

Rick's plan made me angry, and when I get angry my mouth tends to speak before I can think.

The man who brought me here narrowed his eyes at my response, while I looked Rick dead in the eye. It finally came in handy that I had inherited my dad's knack for staring people down. Rick looked back at me, I could see him thinking about what to do with me. When he finally spoke, my heart was racing. The tension could be cut with the knife.

"OK. I guess you can stay."


	4. Chapter 3

"OK. I guess you can stay. I let out a sigh of relief. "Thanks, I really appreciate you giving me a chance," I said, trying to keep my voice steady. "I won't let you down." I said, even though I wasn't sure if that was a promise I would be able to keep. Rick nodded, "We all could use a chance every now and then." He turned around and walked away. The big guy standing next to him seemed to disagree with Rick's decision, but he kept quiet. I felt his frustration with me nevertheless.

The man with the crossbow untied my arms and I stretched them. It felt good to feel blood flowing through my fingers again. The woman who had spoken about the cloth came up to me and introduced herself as Carol.

She then told me the name of all the other people in the camps. Lois, the woman with long, dark brown hair, was Rick's wife. They had a 12-year-old son named Carl, who was sleeping at the moment. The big tall guy with black hair who didn't seem to like me much was Shane, Rick's partner with the police. Daryl was the guy who picked me off of the street. He looked like a hick. There was an Asian kid, Glenn, who was talking to an older man, whose name I learned to be Dale. He had a kind face. And apparently T-Dog, short for Theodore, was going through some more cars somewhere.

After these introductions Carol led me to car I could sleep in. We started talking quietly and I soon found out why she looked so shaken. She had recently lost her husband and now her daughter was missing in the woods. Sophia was only 12 years old and Carol was scared for her life. "She was so afraid of everything... Now she's all alone out there with those monsters. I miss by baby." I didn't know what to say, so I awkwardly tried to comfort her by putting my hand on her shoulder, softly stroking it, but I quickly stopped because it was just weird.

It took a couple of minutes for Carol to calm down. "We're having dinner in 15 minutes. Daryl shot some squirrels today." Then she left the car. I looked around at my new abode. It wasn't much of course, but the car was close to the others and I could sleep in it. It was also pretty clean, meaning that there weren't any bloodstains. I reached for my backpack to take out my water bottles. I was hoping this group would have some water so I could clean up a bit.

The first person I ran into was Daryl. "I heard you shot some squirrels. I guess you know how to hunt?" I said, trying to make some polite conversation.

"Yeah, I guess I do." He continued cutting the wooden stick in his hand.

I was curious. "What are you doing?"

He sighed, clearly frustrated. "Making arrows, what does it look like I'm doing."

I got the hint. "Sorry, I didn't want to bother you. I just wanted to thank you for taking out that walker. You saved my life back there."

He stopped what he was doing and looked up to me, his eyes squinted and unfriendly. "If you keep talkin', you gonna make me regret it."

Knowing I wasn't wanted, I nodded at him and walked on towards the fire. It was starting to get dark and chilly and the warmth was welcome. I sat down next to Lori. "Do you guys have any clean water? I almost ran out and I wouldn't mind cleaning myself up a little bit before dinner."

Lori smiled, "Yeah, go talk to Shane. He's got a canister." "Shane is the big buff guy, right?" I asked. "Yep, that's the one." She stood up and walked to Rick, talking in a low, hushed manner. I got up and walked to Shane. "Hey, I heard you got a can of water. Got some to spare?"

"Not really." He looked me in the eye and he really gave me the creeps. Something was seriously off with this guy.

"Oh, well, I was hoping I could have some to drink and to clean myself up a bit. I look and smell awful." I tried, pretending I was ignorant of the looks he was giving me.

"Can't say a disagree with that. But sure, seeing as our big leader officially welcomed you, how much water do you need?" His voice was like venom, each word stung.

Doing my best to ignore his tone, I told him I brought 2 water bottles. He filled them up and I made sure to leave quickly.

I went back to the car Carol showed me, where I used the rear view mirror to take a good look at myself. After I washed up my face looked somewhat recognizable again. It had been two months since the first outbreak of the disease, and it had been hell on earth ever since. Somehow, I had managed to survive, but I had become so scared of the world. Maybe these people had some information, something that could give me hope, because I really wasn't sure how much more of this crap I could take. The loss of family members and constant insecurities, living everyday knowing that there might not be a next one had really worn me out. I had been so close to giving up, and I just didn't have the energy to keep going. I was weak and I knew it. This group seemed to have overcome quite some obstacles, so I might learn some essential things from them.

When I was done, I took a water bottle with me to have some at dinner, and I also decided to share whatever food I had left with the group, because they were kind enough to take me in. I had two apples Keith and I had found in an orchard outside the city, some granola bars we had taken from an abandoned gas station, and one bottle of tequila left. We had looted a house for that one. We had stayed in a random house in an abandoned neighbourhood for a couple of nights to hide from the walkers, and Keith had decided we needed to scavenge it for useful things. Figuring we cold use the alcohol as medicine, we took it. But I did feel rather awful going through a stranger's house like that. It felt wrong, like stealing, but Keith argued that if one of use would get injured, we would need something to keep the wound clean. Or if we just wanted to forget the problems in the world, we could get shitfaced drunk. I could definitely use a drink tonight.

I gave the food and alcohol to Dale, who gratefully accepted my token of appreciation. "That's very kind of Jessica, we can all use the food we can get our hands one these days." He smiled kindly at me. I decided to sit with him at dinner.

"What did you do before all this mess?" He asked me. "I was a grad student at Mercer University in Macon. I was studying law. I wanted to become a lawyer, do some good in the world. That ain't gonna help me no more..."

"Well," said Dale, "it is always nice to have someone in the group who has a sense of justice." I looked at him and snickered at his naïve comment. "The law's got nothing to with justice. I know trials where murderers got away due to a technicality. Justice comes from within. And now that the world has changed and it's more brutal, I don't know if the values we had can still hold up." Dale sighed. "I know what you mean. But I know I can't let go of all of that just because some people decided to come back to life." I chuckled at that. "You're an optimist? I like that. This place is dark enough as it is. I'm just struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, after all that I witnessed." My thoughts wandered off to my family.

My mom had left for work early and I hadn't even wished her a good day. Keith had come to my room around noon talking about zombies and the dead coming back to life. He had pulled pranks on me before, so I just laughed at him. He sounded frantic and I assumed it was simply his best acting job yet. But then I saw him carry my dad's gun, and I started to get scared. He told me that we needed to barricade the house, have a safe room. We gathered all our food, tried to make the house secure, close off the windows and lock the doors. At the end of the day, when my mom was supposed to come home, we heard moans outside the door. Nails scraped the wood and I wanted to run out to get my mom, but Keith, being smart and brave, held me back. When we peeked through a window we saw the reality of the situation: she wasn't our mom anymore. A broadcast on TV had mentioned something about how, in order to kill it, we needed to aim for the head. That's what my brother did: he shot our mom right between the eyes. He never even cried. In fact he was the one comforting me, because I was so upset. I felt so useless. And then my other brothers of course... but I shook their memory of them away. I couldn't think about them, I would just get more upset. I had to believe they were still alive. No message is a good message.

Dale's voice shook me out of my daydream "... in Atlanta. It was bad. Walkers everywhere. When we finally made it to the CDC, there was only one man left, Jenner. Did you know that the walkers have no recollection of who they once were? The cognitive part of their brains stops functioning; it's just the brainstem controlling basic motoring skills. Whoever they were... Gone. Just gone..."

I'd figured that, after I saw the blood thirst my own mother held for Keith and me. I really needed to change the topic, everything constantly reminded me of my family.

"Is this your RV?" I was curious what the thing was doing out here. "Ah yes, the Winnebago. I've had it for ages, as you can probably tell. I had some good times in this thing..." he seemed lost in his newly uncovered memories. "Did you loose anybody Dale?" I asked with sadness in my voice. "Yes, yes I did. As did everybody of course." That seemed to be the end of his answer.

We held each other company while eating, but we sat in silence. Nobody was talking. Carl was awake now, and T-Dog had returned from his search. He'd found some flashlights and gas for their cars. T-Dog was a big black guy, but in a teddy bear kinda way. Carl was an adorable kid with a good heart. I was introduced to them. T-Dog was a little skeptic and looked to Rick for confirmation. When Rick nodded his head to T-Dog, the latter accepted my presence without questions. I pretended to not have seen it, but it was clear that everybody looked to Rick for answers.

When I was done eating, I excused myself and went to 'my' car. I hadn't been in a group for weeks, and being around all these people made me tired. I changed into some clothes that would be a bit more warm and comfortable for sleeping. I laid down on the backseat of the car, trying to make myself as comfortable as I could in my sleeping bag. I could hear them talking about me at the camp. I wasn't sure what they were saying, but I heard my name come up a few times. I guess I still wasn't safe to stay. With that uncomfortable thought I fell into an uncomfortable sleep.


	5. Chapter 4

Nightmares hunted my sleep that night. I saw Keith's death playing out in front of me again and again. Gradually, more and more so with each repetition, his face transformed into my brothers. First came James' face – his hardened facade that had grown older with atrocities he'd seen. Then Zach's, who looked so much like me, his soft and kind features were the same as the last time I'd seen him more than a year ago now. And then Michael's face, his sad eyes haunting me, looking straight through my soul. I had no idea as to their whereabouts. I didn't even know what continent Michael had been on at the time of the outbreak.

Every now and again I woke up, slumbering while I was trying to figure out where I was, but the confusion I felt was exhausting and I was never awake for longer than a minute.

When I actually woke in the morning, it was uncomfortable, like the entire night had been. You know that feeling you get when you wake up somewhere and you're not sure where you are, so you get instantly scared? It was like that, but in addition, my body was being spastic in a reflex, and I bumped by head against the car door. The instant headache that shot through my head gave my confusing and painful morning an extra dimension of crappiness, and I cursed out loud. I heard a chuckle. Someone was having a better start of the day than I was.

When I looked up, I saw Daryl standing outside the car looking amused. He was carrying his bow and arrows on his back, and he looked quite menacing. In all honesty, I thought he looked good. The view of his sweaty, greasy body helped to get rid of the thoughts about my nightmares. I was surprised at that, but also relieved when I realised that I had forgotten what my nightmares were all about.

Before I started staring at his muscled arms, I managed to get my head clear again when I shook my head like a wet dog, literally shaking the thoughts out of my head. "Morning," I yawned. I had never been a morning person, and waking up every morning was a constant struggle against the clock. He didn't reply, just stood there. "You here for a reason?" I slowly made my way out of the car and looked up at him. I was pretty sore and I had bruises all over my arms. Making a couple of stretch movements to get my body limber again, I awaited his reply. He studied me for a while before answering: "We're heading out to look for Sophia." I saw the intensity in his eyes. He wasn't just telling me this; he wanted me to come with them, so I could do my fair share and prove my worth to the group. "You need another hand?" I offered, knowing fully well this was the only acceptable answer. "Yeah. We're gonna go to the stream a few miles out. An extra pair of eyes wouldn't hurt." He turned around and walked back to the group. They all looked ready. I quickly changed, grabbed my backpack and water bottles, put on the trucker cap and walked over to the group. Shane filled my bottles up and I stored them in my backpack.

Rick walked up to me. "We're not giving you your gun back." I stared at him blankly. Shane answered, "Dale, Rick and I are carrying. Can't have people poppin' off rounds every time a tree rustles." I nodded at his remark, seemed like the smart thing to do. Andrea protested, but Shane cut her short. Rick handed me a small axe. My eyes grew wide and I looked up to him confused. "You want me to use this?"

They either looked at me with annoyance or amusement on their faces. "Yeah, now get used to it." Daryl spat. I looked at the tool in my hands. It wasn't too heavy, and the wood was nice and cool against my warm hands. I moved it around a bit, trying to get used to the feeling of the axe, starting to realize that I would have to learn to use this for a purpose other than cutting wood. When I ran my finger across the edge of the blade, I could feel the sharpness against my skin, waiting for me to apply too much pressure and have some blood spilt. That notion ran across my spine and I looked up at the group, who were looking at me expectantly.

I wasn't sure how to react so I took a deep breath. "Ok. I guess I'm ready." I said, nodding my head. I said it more to reassure myself rather than the people in the group, and Rick saw my hesitation and reluctance.

"You GUESS?" Ricky yelled in a whispering voice. "You GUESS you're ready? We rely on each other to cover our backs. If you ain't ready, you ain't comin', simple as that. And if we can't count on you, you get the hell outta here." He definitely scared me with his little rant, but it was an effective fear. I didn't want to be forced to leave this group and have to face the world alone, so I nodded my head compliantly and said: "I'm ready."

"Good."

"The idea is, we take the creek up, 'bout 5 miles, Then turn around on the other side. Chances are she's at the creek, it's her only landmark," Daryl explained. With that, Rick turned around and everybody followed him into the forest. Shane looked at me with a frown on his face, as if I was a spoiled little girl who needed a scolding. I could feel some of the other stares on my back, but I decided to ignore it to the best of my ability. It was understandable why they didn't particularly like me – I was a random stranger coming out of nowhere, looking for asylum, but I was also a scared girl who didn't seem to be able to overcome her fears. Even little Carl actively wanted to go out in the woods and look for Sophia.

I looked back at Dale, who would be staying at the RV to try and fix the radiator hose. T-Dog also stayed, the cut in his arm was a sure hindrance for the group if he would've come. He gave me a sympathetic look, understanding how I must feel. He seemed to genuinely care about my well being, and that thought was a little reassuring, calming my breath.

These people weren't the most trusting, and I didn't blame them, but if I wanted to stay I definitely needed to step up my game. So I took another big gulp of air, gripped the axe in my hands a little tighter, and followed the big group into the woods.


	6. Chapter 5

The trip into the woods was just as I thought it would be: scary and rather unproductive. Everybody had joined in, except for Dale and T-Dog, who would keep watch on our camp and fix the RV. We'd already run into several walkers, and I had been a coward, hanging back and avoiding confrontation. I could tell some people were becoming frustrated with my fear.

After several hours, when I was straying behind a little bit being tired and scared of every single sound around us, Daryl came up to me. The way he looked at me told me he despised me right now. "Get it together, we're looking for a little girl here, we don't need one in the group." Then he walked on.

I knew he was right of course; I'd been less than helpful, probably counter productive even. I wish I could just flick that switch and be brave instantaneously, but I didn't seem to work that way. What I needed was some confidence. I moved towards Daryl.

"You're right. Don't think that I don't know I'm pretty useless. I'm not stupid. Can I ask you for something?" Daryl sighed and turned around. I was a bit dazed when I almost walked into that fine chest. "What." My head jumped up. "Well, like you said, I need to get it together. Maybe I'd be a little less scared if I actually killed one of those things... You know, so I know what it's like. Build some confidence. Could you help me with that?" "I don't need to help you with that, you got your chance right there." He pointed behind me after which he grabbed his crossbow that had been strapped to his back. My face turned white as I turned around. A walker, less than a yard away, was walking towards us. "Aim for the head, use the axe. I got your back," Daryl said.

That was my cue. I heard Daryl prepare his crossbow behind me, as I set my feet in the ground, pulled up my axe and estimated the length of my arms and axe with the distance it needed to cover to land on the walker's head. The axe was quite big, so I had to hold the axe somewhere in the middle, rather than at the end, to keep me from losing my balance. This also meant that there would be less distance between the walker and I when I struck. I gulped and took a deep breath. When I thought it was close enough I lifted the axe up high and swung it down with everything that I had.

I missed; and what was worse, I took a stumble forward towards the walker, the heavy weight of the axe throwing me off. The walker knew my fresh flesh was close and it began to attack me. The adrenaline kicked in, and a brute survival instinct acted before I could think. I raised my arms and the axe quickly again, using all the strength that I had in me. This time I swung the axe like a baseball bat. As soon as my axe collided with the walker's head, the cracking sound of a skull breaking and the smell of blood gushing out, the adrenaline wore off and I was pulled back to my normal sense.

The body had fallen to the ground in a bloody disgusting mess. I dropped the axe, which was still engraved in the man's now unrecognisable head, and I fought the urge to throw up. I was breathing heavy, but I felt a little satisfied. I turned around towards Daryl, who gave me a nod of approval as he dropped his bow, signalling that the threat was over for now.

He pulled the axe out of the dead corpse as though it was a light feather and handed it back to me. I took it from him, seeing blood spatters on the wooden handle. "Next time, you need to be more balanced, you got lucky." Daryl said. I looked up at him and saw him walking away towards the group. I sighed, mustering up strength to put one foot in front of the other. I quickly caught up with the rest of the group. I guess I had some blood on me, because when Rick saw me he immediately asked "Walker?" "Yeah, Jessica took care of it." Daryl replied for me. Rick looked a little bit less frustrated with me. "First kill? Well done. Let's hope there'll be plenty more." I thanked him softly for the kind, but on my part unwanted, attention and looked at my feet. I should just take the compliment; it was a good thing. They hated me less now.

Carl walked up to me. He was only 12, but already braver than I had ever been in my entire life. "Awesome, you did good." I smiled at the sweet kid. His positivity was contagious "Thanks little fella. You killed a walker before?" He looked proud and nodded his head. "Yes! Several even! I need to protect my family." I put my arm around his shoulder. "It seems like you're doing a great job at it." We continued in silence, but I was feeling a bit better about myself, and my position in this group. Killing the walker had given me some confidence because it showed the group I was learning to defend them and that I was willing to put myself out there. They were good, kind people who had been through a lot together. Any newcomer would be an outsider at first, who needed to work hard at gaining their trust and respect. I had officially begun to walk down that road, and it gave me a sense of purpose.

We ran into a small campsite and Daryl went into the tent. When he came out, he was close to barfing because of the stench. Apparently, there was a dead man inside, who'd shot himself in the head. "Like Jenner said: opted out. Ain't that what he called it?" Daryl said. I couldn't say I blamed the man, I had just been at that same low point myself, but it was disturbing to be confronted with it. That could've been me; I'd given up all hope. I didn't see a way out, especially when Keith had just passed away. I'm still not sure what kept me going after that horrendous afternoon, but I slowly started to realise what kept me going now. These people, Carl, their kindness; I needed to focus on the here and now, not on the past. The past couldn't be changed, but I could make damn sure that this group and that I would survive. I needed to believe that Carl had a bright future ahead of him, and that all of this would soon be over and that things could go back to normal. What else did I have?

All of a sudden we heard church bells ringing, breaking me away from my thoughts. We ran towards the sound. "What direction?" Shane asked. "I think that way, I'm pretty sure." Rick pointed. We all followed, hoping that maybe Sophia would come towards the sound, or that maybe she was actually ringing it herself. The bells rang again a couple of minutes later and a white building showed up behind the trees. "That can't be it, it's got no steeple, no bells." Shane said

We checked out the inside of the church. There were only 3 walkers there, which we wanted to deal with quickly and easily. We dispersed to take care of them, and I walked towards one, feeling ready to kick some butt. The walker I choose seemed like a bride: she was wearing a dress, even had some sort of a veil on, or whatever was left of it. When I saw her empty eyes behind the dirty white cloth and the holes in the dress, it hit me like a brick: I wouldn't ever get married. I'd never get the chance to, because I didn't have a future. None of us had; our lives now revolved around day-to-day survival, and we might not make it to live another day.

So many things we used to do in our lives before the apocalypse were based on the idea that we had a future: school, work, saving accounts. That was all gone now. We couldn't plan our lives anymore like we used to, because the far future didn't matter to our immediate survival. The things that were now important were problems like: where will we find water? How do we keep away from walkers? Where do we get new ammo? Marriage wasn't on that list. It's not like I had always wanted to get married or anything like that. I hadn't really thought about it before, because I was always so busy with my career. But at least I had always had the opportunity to get married, if I'd wanted to. There was a deliberate choice that we could make. Those big choices had been taken away with the arrival of the end of the world. How would I meet a man here? We needed to survive, not fall in love. And a baby? That would be the stupidest thing to do right now. That poor child wouldn't stand a chance against the brutality of this world, let alone the mother who would be giving birth in a filthy environment, without medical supervision. No, the virus had robbed me and everybody else of those choices. It had taken our future.

I stared at the walker bride as she made her way over to me, lusting after my flesh. I wanted to plunge my axe in her head, but I couldn't, too overwhelmed with the realization that I no longer had a future and that everything I had done up to now had been futile and worthless.

Suddenly anger took over. Anger like I had never felt before. I felt the rage tingling in my fingers and flow through my veins. My fury automatically let itself out, the adrenaline made my heart pump three times faster, and before I knew it the walker in front of me had fallen down, its head split in two. But it wasn't enough. I kept hitting and hitting and hitting and hitting the face and the body and every possible part that I could hit. I was screaming in anger and tears were streaming down my face. I released everything that I had built up: the anger I felt with myself at being so scared all the time, the mourning over the loss of my family and the will to create a future for myself again.

In a quick moment I was yanked back by two men, grabbing a hold of me and my axe. In an instant all the adrenaline and anger was gone and I collapsed to the floor, bawling my eyes out. I must have caught the men off guard because the dropped me. I didn't care; I didn't feel it. I just stared blankly ahead of me into nothingness. "Is she all right?" I think it was Lori who asked. "I think so, just had a breakdown, let's give her some room to breathe. I'm glad she took it out on that walker though." Rick whispered. I heard them, but I wasn't really aware of them. The tears still kept coming as my breath slowly got back to normal. I was in shock – my brain didn't know how to cope with the grief, the pain, and the loss, so it just shut down, sitting me down in the middle of a church.

Everybody ran outside when the bells started ringing again, but I stayed inside. I wasn't handling the situation all too well, and I was slowly becoming aware of that. I sat myself up straight and began to notice I was in a church. After a couple more minutes, when the haze started to slowly disappear from my mind, I sat down in the front row of the church, looking up at the big Jesus statue on the altar. I'd never really been religious, more like agnostic. I didn't know if there was a God and I'd never felt his presence in my life. I didn't really feel like I needed him; I'd always learned to rely on myself. But being here, in this church, with the walkers roaming the earth, I was hoping that there would be a reason for all this. That even though it would be incredibly cruel, somebody, or something up there was doing all of this to us with a clear purpose in mind. Because if all of this was just happening – just nature's way of writing a wrong – then I would truly loose all hope. The thought that this was all just a random intervention, _bad luck_, made me feel really empty and so I was struggling to believe that. Yet, somewhere, I think I did, because I was distanced even further from any notion of God. God was supposed to be a creator, not a destroyer – he taught us to value people and life, not to do the opposite and kill almost everybody.

I had always believed that I was the one creating the purpose for my life; I thought I was a strong person. But the recent events led me to belief I was wrong. Personal purpose didn't seem to matter in this world. Purpose was a creation of the mind for people who had time and a future. I was 'lucky' I wasn't dead yet – lucky enough to see people die and come back to life, lucky enough to see my brother being eaten, and lucky enough to separated from my family. I didn't know what to belief in anymore

This world, this life we were living was absurd. It didn't matter what we chose: to fight the walkers for our survival, or just give up living: we'd die anyway. It was like the myth of Sisyphus, an old Greek legend. Sisyphus had upset the Gods, and as a punishment he would have to roll up this big rock up the hill for the rest of eternity. Every time he was almost on top of the hill, the rock would fall back and he'd have to start all over again. The futility of it resembled how I was feeling: useless, weak and as if everything was out of my control. Whatever I decided, it really, truly did not matter. The emptiness that was combined with those thoughts was eating me on the inside, like a big black hole sucking me in. I had never doubted my life as much as I had at that moment, and I started to feel as if suicide, or 'opting out' was the last possible remedy. It was a comforting thought, the idea that everything would be over. No more pain, no more crying, no more emptiness, except death. Life had become such a struggle for survival, and I didn't know if I wanted to live in a world like this one. It felt like every time I managed to pull that stone up the hill, when I accomplished something, like killing a walker, it would crush me under its weight, leaving me feeling even worse than I had before.

Suddenly, I remembered what my professor, who had taught me about the Myth of Sisyphus, had said: Sisyphus enjoyed the walk down the hill – in those short instances, he would be free from his duties and he could enjoy the moment.

My breathing became steadier as I tried to figure out a way to revel in those short lived moment. The earth was still a beautiful place; the birds still sang their songs and the sun still rose each morning. I would have to find beauty in every aspect if I wanted to get through this. The prospect of getting even only one chance of finding my brothers gave me hope as well. I would have to see everything that was not destroyed as beautiful, I would need to make that constant effort, because I realized that somewhere deep down inside I did not want to die. I did not want to give up.

As soon as I realized that I wanted to live, a fire started to burn inside me again. A force that shed light on every corner of my being, making me see more clearly than I had ever had in my life. Its heat burned a way through the emptiness, leaving me feeling warm and fulfilled. I realized that the only thing I needed to understand that the people in the group were good people, that they had my back, and that the walkers were evil and needed to be killed. I relied on the group, and they might start rely on me. I couldn't disappoint them. I was now living my life for them, as much as I was living it for myself.

These people would give me purpose and meaning in life. I tried to breath deeply to calm my body. The breathing cleared my mind slowly, and eventually I decided to lay down 3 simple rules for me to follow in this new world:

1. Be brave and defend your people at any cost – they will then do the same for you.

2. Every day is gift, treat it as such: breathe in the air and listen to the birds singing whenever you can.

3. Don't loose hope of a better future; this too shall pass.

I stood up from the bench I was sitting on and wiped the remaining tears from my face. I felt like a brand new person, yet I felt like I was myself once again. I had been a damn good lawyer, I didn't take nobody's shit, least of all my own. I felt empowered again, but I also felt stronger than I ever had, both physically and mentally. I was ready for the world now.

With a newly discovered sense of clarity I got up and walked out of the church.


	7. Chapter 6

When I stepped out of the church, Rick was talking to Shane. I joined the rest of the group, who were standing in the shade of a tree. I must have looked differently, because Rick eyed me suspiciously. I figured he wasn't too sure that I was actually feeling as good and confident as I looked.

Shane explained the situation: Rick and Shane were going to continue searching for Sophia while the rest of the group would head back to the highway. "I want to go too, she's my friend." Carl spoke up. I admired the boy's bravery; he really had a heart of gold.

On our way back, Andrea started to complain about the gun Lori got from Daryl earlier. Lori was fed up with it and gave her a piece of her mind. Can't say I blamed her, because I also was getting fed up with it. Andrea was making the whole problem around her gender, thinking that she couldn't have her gun because she was a woman. She just wanted to be seen as equal to all of the men and I got that. As a lawyer I'd been through plenty of similar struggles with derogatory assholes myself, but I believed that this wasn't the right time to be a feminist or to make the problem about gender. Right now, all I cared about was survival, and that meant that I wanted the most experienced people to actually use the guns. She just wasn't one of them. It wasn't because she was female, but simply because of her lack of experience – Rick and Shane were both cops, they knew what they were doing, and Dale seemed like a steady shot with that rifle of his. I know I wouldn't want to carry the gun, 'cause I never fired a damn shot in my life. Rick and Shane were smart enough to understand that, in order to survive, some people just shouldn't be holding guns right now.

I didn't feel it was my place to say anything after Lori's proclamation, even though I was seriously tempted to tell Andrea off. I was feeling ready for battle, pumped by my new sense of direction, but I also knew that I couldn't take that out on Andrea, whatever my thoughts were. Lori made a very solid point in her defense of Rick, I was the last one to deny that, but she had done fine on her own.

We got up and continued walking back to our camp. Suddenly we heard a gunshot. We all looked up, but couldn't trace it back to its source. Lori immediately wanted to turn around, afraid for the lives of her husband and son, but Daryl was the voice of reason, saying that there would be nothing we could do, because we didn't know where it happened. If anything, this underlined the importance of getting back to our base, because that's where the men could find us. Lori sighed and gave in. We had to put the group first and we didn't even know if any of the men were involved.

After another hour or so of walking, Lori's kind, worrying nature took over again. "What do we do?" she asked. "Same as we've been," Daryl replied. "Beat the bush for Sophia, work our way back to the highway." Andrea tried to comfort Lori and it seemed to work. That was a good sign, it showed that everybody was willing to put past disputes behind them, and look towards a future together. When the group moved on, Andrea hung back a bit to comfort Carol, and I felt the need to join her.

I couldn't help but feel for Carol, sympathise with the shitty situation she was in. Andrea mentioned that we would all prey for Sophia's safe return. This only led to Daryl's unorthodox proclamation about praying: that it wouldn't do a damn thing and that we would find Sophia regardless of prayers. "Am I the only one Zen around here? Good Lord." He said as he glared at all three of us, like we were responsible for this misery. The comment made me chuckle. I wondered if he knew that Zen was a form of Buddhism, or if he'd ever heard of Buddhism in the first place. But I have to say that he did look very determined to find Sophia, and I admired him for that. "Hey Carol, you know that Daryl will find Sophia right? You see that in his eyes? That's determination. He ain't gonna stop until he finds her." Carol nodded gratefully as I smiled a compassionate smile, hoping that that Dixon boy hadn't heard my kind words about him. I somehow felt like he wouldn't appreciate them.

All of a sudden we heard screaming and Andrea was gone. We ran after her, but by the time we got to her, a woman on a horse had already rescued her from a walker. The horse came to a halt. "Lori, Lori Grimes?" the woman asked us in a frantic tone. "Rick sent me, you gotta come now." "What?" Lori replied. "There's been an accident, Carl's been shot. He's still alive, but you gotta come now. Rick needs you, just come!" Lori just stood there, trying to comprehend what the woman told her. I looked down at my feet. That little brave boy Carl... Shot. It really seemed like the world was out to get us. Lori threw her backpack to the ground, walked over to the woman on the horse and climbed on behind her. "Woah, woah, we don't know this girl! You can't get on that horse!" Daryl yelled. To prove her point, the woman continued: "Rick said you had others on the highway, that big traffic slam? Backtrack to Fairburn road, two miles down is our farm, you'll see the mailbox. The name's Greene." The woman spurred the horse and soon they were out of sight.


	8. Chapter 7

We made our way back to the highway in a confused state. My mind was constantly occupied with images of Carl being shot to bits, his bloody intestines hanging out. Glenn explained to Dale what had happened, something about Zorro, but I wasn't really paying attention. I was tired and I wanted to sleep – it had been a long, hard day – but I knew that I couldn't be selfish, not right now. Lori, Rick and Carl needed the support of the group; that was the least they deserved.

Dale was arguing that the whole group should leave for the farm, but Carol didn't want to. "What if she comes back and we're not here? Could happen." Andrea agreed with her, and I didn't want to abandon that little girl either.

Daryl spoke up: "Ok, but we gotta plan for this. I say tomorrow morning is soon enough to pull up stakes. Gives us a chance to rig a big sign, leave her some supplies. I'll hold here tonight, stay with the RV." Dale then said he wasn't planning on leaving his precious RV. Andrea agreed to stay as well, and obviously Carol would too. Glenn would drive T-Dog to the farm. The wound on his arm had gotten infected and he needed some antibiotics.

Daryl walked over to the bike at the mention of the word antibiotics. The machine belonged to his lost older brother Merle, and Daryl pulled out a bag of medicine that belonged to his brother as well. Merle seemed like an interesting guy, because apparently he got the clap on occasion. However, the SS symbol on his fuel tank made me feel like maybe I didn't want to meet this guy; I wasn't particularly fond of Neo-Nazi's.

I decided to go with Glenn and T-Dog. I figured that I might be of help at the farm. Plus, I wanted see Carl, if his parents would let me. I liked the boy; he courage was inspirational and had become a symbol of hope to me. Hope that maybe we would all live to see the end. I really didn't want him to die. I grabbed my things and joined T-Dog and Glenn in the Cherokee. T-Dog was feverish, so I made sure he drank some water. He was sweating like a pig and I didn't want him to dehydrate. The car ride was silent, but not in an uncomfortable way, and when we made it to the farm we rushed T-Dog out of the car and towards the house. He needed a doctor.

The woman on the horse that had taken Lori was sitting outside in the dark. Before we could knock, she spooked us when stepping out of the shadows. "Hello again." Glenn said sheepishly. I looked at him and the girl who introduced herself as Maggie. I saw the spark. Her father Hershel was going to help T-Dog and Glenn handed over the medicine he had gotten from Daryl earlier. She offered to make us something to eat and we went inside.

"How's Carl? Is there anything we can do?" I asked. "He's stable for now, but he's gonna need surgery. Shane and Otis are out to get medical supplies right now. Should've been back already..." her voice trailed off, filled with worry. I sighed in relief when I heard that Carl was still alive. She led us upstairs to the room Carl was in. "We're here, OK?" Glenn spoke to Rick an Lori, as the two of them sat at Carl's bedside. Lori thanked us. I felt like I needed to say something. "Let us know if you need anything. Whatever, we'll get it." I sounded determined. "Carl's gonna make it, I know it. He's so brave." They nodded their heads, letting us know they'd heard us.

The four of us walked back out of the room, to the kitchen downstairs and we sat ourselves down. Then Hershel came out to patch T-Dog up. "This turns out to be a bad week for kids." I said, feeling helpless. I'd had a really weird day with many emotional ups and downs. It felt like I was riding one sickening rollercoaster. This whole thing with Carl was such a slap in the face. Glenn looked to his feet. "Yeah, could've been better. But it could've been worse too." I nodded, even though I wasn't sure how this could all get worse. At least we were safe for now.

"Hey Glenn, can I ask you something?" I turned to look at him and lowered my voice a bit. I wasn't keen on sharing my insecurities with the rest of the group, but I felt I could trust Glenn. "Sure, shoot. Well, figuratively." We both let out a soft laugh at the bad joke. "Do you think people of the group are okay with me? I know I haven't been much help, and I feel like I'm more of a burden than anything else." I lowered my head, feeling ashamed. "Daryl and Shane seem to downright hate me, Carol and Lori are nice, but Rick doesn't trust me. I don't blame him of course, but still. Are people okay with me being here?" This question had been on my mind all day. The glances Rick kept giving me, full of distrust, and Daryl's hostility – I didn't know what to make of it and I didn't want to upset anybody by my mere presence.

I really needed to get it all out. I needed some reassurance that these people didn't want me gone. Glenn looked at me and his face became serious. "We've lost a lot of people," he explained. "Andrea lost her sister; Daryl's brother could be anywhere. People are scared and it's hard to care, especially about someone we don't even know, because chances are they'll die. Every time we let people into the group, we let them in our hearts as well. You know what that feels like, because I can see you care about Carl. It hurts." I nodded, understanding exactly what he was saying. "And trust can't really be given; we need to stick together, because anybody could suddenly turn into our enemy. I personally think you're okay, but Rick feels responsible for the group, so he has to make the call. Give it some time, take any chance you can to prove that you're not here to screw us over, and you'll be fine." I smiled slightly at him. "I get that, I do, really. I realized today that it doesn't necessarily matter what I'm going through, as long as I don't put anybody in danger and keep them safe." My voice regained some strength when I said that, because I re-realized the validity of the statement. It was gonna be hard for me to keep it up if I had to keep reminding myself of it, but the idea slowly began to settle in the pit of my stomach.

Glenn started to speak again. "But other than that, people are glad that you're here. You are a kind person and you mean well, they can see that. Just... stop crying all the time. We know it's tough, we've been there, trust me, but crying isn't the solution." "Thanks for your honesty Glenn." I smiled at him. "And I know I need to toughen up. My life was pretty quiet so I'm just not really used to anything. I mean, a court can be brutal, but it pales in comparison to what's out there now." I grinned. "I just want you to know that I am trying real hard to be better. At the church... I changed. I am more determined now, and I want to carry my weight." Glenn smiled too. "You'll get there, don't worry too much. And when it comes to Shane or Daryl: definitely don't care too much. Shane doesn't really trust anybody, and Daryl... I guess he's just used to being alone, not answering to anybody." Then Glenn lowered his voice even more. "To be really honest, I just think he needs to get laid. That would ease him up a bit" We both cracked up at that comment. I understood what he was saying though, I once had a friend who hadn't gotten any in months 'cause his girlfriend was studying abroad. He took a lot of his frustration out on me. _Guys..._

What Glenn had said did make things a little bit clearer for me though. "Daryl seems really involved in the search for Sophia," I spoke. "Yeah, it's the first time I've see him care, other than when we had to tell him we left his brother chained up a roof..." "You left his brother chained on a roof! What happened?" I gasped. That sounded really bad and I hadn't expected that from this group.

"Merle, his brother, is a pain in the ass. He was annoying, putting the whole group in danger. Rick dealt with him by chaining him up to a pipe on a rooftop with his cuffs. Then T-Dog was supposed to free him when we wanted to leave the city, but he dropped the keys down a drain. When we went back the next day to free him, Merle was gone, but he'd left his hand behind." My eyes grew wide. "He'd cut off his own hand?! Like in the movie Saw?" That was really gruesome. "Yeah, I guess like the movie. Haven't thought about movies in a long time. What I'd give to watch a movie again, even if it was crappy. The nice seats in the theater, buttery popcorn..." His voice trailed off, his mind going somewhere else.

Maggie put some very welcome food on the table, and we dug in, relishing the taste of a fresh sandwich. It was the best meal I'd had in weeks, and I savored every bite.

After we were done with dinner, Glenn, T-Dog and I went out to set up camp. Hershel agreed to let us stay on his land for now, but he didn't want any other than Rick and Lori stay in his house. It was understandable; we couldn't start to feel too much at home here. Glenn and I set up the tents for T-Dog and us. I don't know if you've ever set up a tent in the dark, but it's damn hard. We made the camp in a semi-circle under the trees, so that the shade would protect us during the hot summer days. T-Dog helped unload some bags after Hershel stitched his arm, but I told him to sit down and take it easy.

After we were done, Glenn went back to the house 'to check on Carl', but when T-Dog and I shot each other a glance, we both new he had different motives. After a little bit I saw him and Maggie walk out of the house and sitting on the porch. They hugged and it seemed that Glenn was comforting her. "I gotta give it to him, he's got some game." T-Dog spoke. I grinned at this, "Seems like it." I didn't really know what else to say, so I decided to play the good parent and get T-Dog to bed. "Get your ass in the tent and get some sleep. We're gonna need the rest!"

We went our separate ways to our tents. I changed my clothes and got into my sleeping bag. I slowly drifted off, leaving the stress of that busy day behind me.


	9. Chapter 8

"What took you so long?" T-Dog asked the following morning, eying me suspiciously. It had been about 15 minutes since he had called me to wake me up. "Nothing. I was just enjoying the fact that I had a safe place to sleep." I smiled up at him. "Anything happened?"

"Yeah, actually Shane got back with the medical supplies. They operated on Carl in the middle of the night. He's gonna be just fine." Glenn replied. That comment lifted the heaviness that had been weighing on my chest all night. "However, Otis didn't make it back... Maggie was devastated." "Well, good morning mister. I see you made your way back to the camp. Is that what you did last night? Comfort Maggie?" I asked with a cheeky grin, as I was stretching the soreness I felt away. After my conversation with Glenn I felt more freedom to joke around here and there, especially with Glenn and T-Dog. I hadn't really understood a man had died; I didn't personally know him and it seemed to have improved the situation between Glenn and Maggie. Might as well use it for the better. I was shocked to realise I felt so little about this man's death, but I didn't want to linger on it for too long. It was in the past. "We didn't do anything! Just talked!" Glenn tried to defend himself. "I know Glenn, you're a real good guy you know that?" Glenn blushed a bit at my compliment, while T-Dog had troubles containing his laughter.

It was weird to be laughing. It implied a sense of freedom and a lack of care. I guess the great news about Carl, and a long and deep night's sleep could do a lot to lift one's spirits.

We settled down as I slowly started to realize the full meaning of the fact that a man had died to save Carl's life. That act of bravery left a lump in my throat when I started thinking about it. I was wondering if I would have done the same thing... I knew now that I needed to protect the people of this group, but death? Not too long ago I had been ready to give up, but I had found new reasons to move on. I had people to live for and the hope of a better future. Still, would I be able, if it were even necessary, to sacrifice myself if it would save everybody else? To throw myself at the danger without fear, knowing that what I was doing was the right thing? I shook the thoughts off quickly, but I knew fully well that I couldn't leave this question unanswered for too long; danger was everywhere and I might have to make that decision before I was ready.

We were eating our food quietly when a whole bunch of people came walking out of the big farmhouse. When they got closer, I realized I didn't know most of them. _Must be the family that lives here_, I thought to myself. When they reached our camp, they introduced themselves. Hershel was the old man with the white hair, and Beth, a young girl with pretty blond hair, was Maggie's younger sister. Patricia was Otis' wife, and she was in tears. Jimmy was a young boy still, around 18 years old I estimated. "I'm so sorry for your loss. Your husband was a hero, Patricia, although I understand it might not help your grief." I tried kindly. She nodded, her red eyes thanking me in silence.

"We're here to make a memorial for Otis. That's the least he deserves." Hershel said. "We were thinking of collecting larger stones and rocks to make some sort of a grave mark out of it." I thought that was a beautiful gesture. It seemed that this was a tight family, and this had been Otis' home. It seemed fit to leave a mark in commemoration of his heroic actions. "If you would be OK with us helping, we'd like that. It's the least we can do." Glenn said. "I appreciate it, son." Hershel looked grateful. And so we got to work.

It was intense labor. I was sweating after a couple of minutes, but the wheelbarrow they had was very useful, making it easier to transport the big rocks. Shane also helped out, as did T-Dog. He looked much better after the treatment Hershel had given him. After about 15 minutes we heard a roar coming from down the road. Then the RV showed up from behind the hill, led by another car and Daryl on this brother's motorcycle.

The sound of the engine revving sent a chill up my spine. Damn that bike seemed to suit that man. But then again, I'd always had a weakness for men on motorcycles. I was a little ashamed to admit that I probably got that due to the Electra complex, the female version of the Oedipus complex. My dad had owned a bike. His family came from the UK, and my grandfather fought in WWII. Somehow, my granddad managed to steal a Royal Enfield WD/L 570cc motorbike from the army, and it had been my dad's proudest possession. I still remembered the thrill I felt in my gut when my dad once took me for a drive when I was little. The fond memory didn't last long when my mind drifted off to my dad. I quickly shook out of it. To hide the fact I had been daydreaming, I turned back to the stones and threw them into the wheelbarrow. Everybody walked towards the house and I figured I might as well follow. I didn't want to seem suspicious. My dreams and thoughts still belonged to me.

We were waiting for them as they pulled up at the house. I couldn't help but steal an extra glance or two at Daryl's sweaty, dirty, sleeveless arms. I bit my lip to prevent my thoughts from wandering too far.

People also came walking out of the house now, Rick leading. Dale got out of the Winnebago and walked up. "How is he?" he wanted to know. Lori answered: "He'll pull through. Thanks to Hershel and his people." "And Shane," Rick chimed in. "We'd have lost Carl if it weren't for him." Everybody looked relieved and started hugging. "How'd it happen?" Dale wanted to know. "Hunting accident. That's all, just a stupid accident." "Well we're all real happy your boy's safe." Dale said with a smile on his face.

Daryl suddenly walked up to me. We hadn't really spoken since Lori left in a hurry with Maggie, and he didn't look too pleased. He grabbed my arm roughly and dragged me away from the group. Rick looked after us with a worried look in his face, but I was too shocked to realize what was going on. I mindlessly followed wherever Daryl was taking me. My mind stared racing why he would be angry with me, but I couldn't think of anything. I mean, I knew he didn't like me much and that he pretty much thought I was worthless to the survival of the group, but I didn't understand this sudden hostility.

When he figured we were separated he shoved me away and sighed deeply. "Daryl, what the-" he cut me off. "You don't speak on my behalf. Don't you every try that again, or I swear, I will cut you." I stared at Daryl's angry proclamation in confusion. "What?" "Don't you play dumb with me, I ain't got time for that. Why did you say those things to Carol in the woods?" Then, the memory he was referring to came back to me. The day before I had tried to console Carol, by saying that Daryl would find Sophia. So he had heard...

"I just wanted to comfort Carol, I didn't know it meant any harm." That wasn't the entire truth. I'd had a feeling Daryl wouldn't like it too much and now, and I was proven right by the angry stares he was throwing at me. "You think I need that?" He spat. "You think I need one more god damn person pointing out that everybody expects me to find that girl alive? You think I need to be reminded that I failed for the past 4 days? I'm all the hope that little girl's got, you think I wanted that? Don't go sayin' shit when it's not your place to say it. There's a damn good chance that little girl's dead or eaten. Get it through your thick skull." He proclaimed, pacing back and forth angrily.

Tears started to well up in my eyes. I knew I needed to contain them – I was so sick and tired of looking weak – but there was something in his voice that I couldn't quite place. I swallowed carefully and let out a deep breath, which prevented the tears from actually falling. "You can't actually mean that Daryl. Please say that you don't. We need this miracle." He looked up at me. "Well I do. Everyday I go out there, riskin' my life for some stupid little girl who didn't listen when she should have. She's dead, I'm just lookin' for the body to proof it." I didn't believe that this was what he was actually thinking. I took a step back, and frowned at his face. What he just said made me so angry, I didn't need this when I was struggling to hold myself together in the first place. I needed to believe that she would be all right. I needed to have faith. The anger and fear somehow brought out the lawyer in me, and I was ready to refute this verbal attack. "You know Dixon, I might be a mess sometimes, bawling my eyes out and being a wimp, but I've never been as disgusting and despicable as you are right now." My voice was ice cold. I stared him in the eye, no longer feeling the need to cry. He had enraged me to my core. "I can't believe you just said that, and I can't accept it as true. Sophia is out there, and I frankly don't give a shit if you need to kill a hundred walkers, but you will find her. You will find her and you will bring her back. You got that?" My voice was venomous as his eyes were moving between my face and the ground. I couldn't read his face, but the message was clear. Then I walked away, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

I couldn't believe he had the nerve to say something like that. Why on earth would he go out there repeatedly if he believed that she was dead? I felt nauseated thinking of how horrible and angry he'd been, only because I was trying to comfort Carol. The man had no regards for other people's feelings. Even though he had his good looks, his character seemed as dirty as a piece of shit.

I was still shaken from the argument that I'd had with Daryl by the time I made it back to the house. I had calmed down a bit, and I realized that Daryl was under a lot of pressure. That couldn't be easy for someone who seemed to be mostly withdrawn from society. I figured he needed to blow of some steam, and that I seemed like an easy target. That didn't make it right what he did, but I figured that it wasn't a big surprise either. Nevertheless, I was satisfied that I'd showed that idiot hick that wasn't someone to be messed with.

Rick walked up to me. "Everything alright with you and Dixon?" he asked. "Uh yeah. He's just upset about not finding Sophia." I don't know why, but I still covered for him. I couldn't tell Rick how much of an asshole Daryl had been. I couldn't let my personal feelings for Dixon get in the way of the group's attitude. They needed him, and I was fully aware of that. Rick, with those eyes that were somehow able to see everything, looked at me and understood that more had happened, but that I didn't want to discuss it. "I'll go talk to him. He's done a lot for Sophia, and I don't want him to hold a grudge against the group over it." I nodded, grateful that Rick just knew what had happened without having me tell it. He must've been one hell of a cop. I took another deep breath, put on a temporary smile and decided to move on. Daryl Dixon wasn't worth my tears.


	10. Chapter 9

After the group was reunited once again, I decided to go back to work on the monument for Otis. The hard labor was a welcome distraction for me. I wanted to think about anything except from the nasty conversation I just had with Daryl Dixon. Sophia was alive; she just had to be. We piled the stones up in a pyramid shape, but we left the top unfinished. Hershel wanted everyone to add the last stone during the ceremony, seeing as we didn't have a grave to throw sand or flowers in.

I thought the memorial was small and simple, but very beautiful. The family members finished the top of the pyramid as Hershel spoke a prayer. The beautiful landscape, the lush green of the trees, and the sincerity of the service was overwhelming. I silently let out a tear that I tried to hide, Glenn's advice etched in my memory. Glenn saw this, and tried to signal that this was an occasion where crying was allowed.

"Shane, will you speak for Otis?" Hershel asked after he was done with the prayer. Shane seemed to wake up from his daydream at the mention of his name and looked fazed. "I'm not good at it, I'm sorry." He looked ashamed of that, but I didn't know why. I knew how hard it was to speak at a funeral. Patricia sniffled and wept. "You were the last one with him, you shared his final moments. Please, I need to hear. I need to know his death had meaning." She was looking at Shane and he couldn't avoid her gaze.

He slowly started talking, explaining what had happened at the school. I gasped at the amount of walkers he mentioned, and more tears left my eye when I heard how Otis had said that they should save Carl. His bravery was truly outstanding. "If any death ever had meaning, it was his." Shane whispered in conclusion, his voice all choked up. Patricia nodded gratefully.

After the ceremony, we started to set up the rest of the tents, now that everybody was here, while Rick, Shane, Andrea, Daryl, Maggie and Hershel discussed a strategy to go look for Sophia.

Daryl ended up going to look for Sophia all by himself, while Rick rested after the blood donations. Maggie was going to town to look for medical supplies, and Rick suggested Glenn to go with her. I don't know if Rick knew about Glenn's feelings, but his expertise with getting in and out of city's did make him the most obvious choice. In the meantime, Dale went on a water run to one of the wells on the farm. I set up all the tents together with Carol and we decided that now that we would have some clean water again, we should do some laundry. But before anything, I needed to talk to Glenn. I saw him talking to Lori, and I walked up to them. Lori seemed a bit spooked by my arrival and walked away quickly. Glenn looked uncomfortable, which made me feel even worse about what the question I was going to ask him.

"Hey Jessica, what's up?" Glenn asked me. I took a deep sigh, mustering up all the courage I could find, and finally asked him the question I had been dreading. "Hey Glenn, on your trip to town, could you bring something back for me? From the feminine hygiene section?" Glenn turned pale. "Not you too! How and when did that even happen?!" I looked at Glenn confused and a little bit disgusted as my cheeks reddened with embarrassment. "When I was 13, at a birthday party. But I really don't see how that's any of your business. I just need some... supplies or whatever the pharmacy has, for you know... that time of the month." I felt really uncomfortable, but Glenn suddenly looked relieved, a reaction I wasn't expecting. "Oh! Ok, good! I thought you were –" and he stopped mid-sentence. "That I was what Glenn? On my period? Jeez, no need to be such a jerk about it. It's embarrassing enough as it is to ask a guy to buy me that stuff, way to make it worse!" Well that wasn't awkward at all. I felt so uncomfortable, so I walked away quickly, leaving Glenn with his mouth open, not understanding what just happened to him.

I was pissed at his dick move. This was the first time ever for me to talk about such private business with a man a relative stranger no less, and then he needs to be all specific about it. I took a couple of deep breaths, trying to lower my raised heartbeat and get some oxygen to my beet red face. I walked back to the camp and finished setting up the last tent with Carol, which was a nice destruction from everything. When Glenn walked back into the camp, I decided that I would just ignore him as I did everything I could to suppress that memory.

Suddenly, Dale came back empty handed with a spooked T-Dog. "There's a walker in the well and we need to get it out, otherwise it might affect the water." I grossed out at the thought of drinking that water anyway, whether or not the water had been affected, but it would be a good idea to get the walker out, before the surrounding soil and other ground water became contaminated as well.

A group of us walked over to the well, including Glenn whom I avoided like he was a walker himself. We stared down and discussed how we should solve the problem. "Real easy," T-Dog claimed. "Put a bullet in its head." Everybody instantaneously disagreed with that plan, because it would contaminate the water for sure. "So it has to come out alive?" T-Dog continued. That grossed me out even more.

The initial plan was to use a ham to lure out the walker, but Dale quickly concluded "he's not going for it." "Cause the ham ain't got no kick and scream when you try to eat it." T-Dog proclaimed. I sighed, wondering what we'd have to do next to get that filthy thing out of there. "He's right," Lori said, "there's a reason the dead didn't come back to life and start raiding our cupboards." "We need live bait," Andrea spoke, after which everybody immediately turned to Glenn. I was a little shocked at how easily we all decided that it should be Glenn, and I tried to apologize to him with my eyes. Maggie was the only one who spoke up: "Y'all are crazy!" The plan was to have Glenn descend down the well so he could throw a rope around the walker. He wasn't particularly happy with this, and despite I was still annoyed with him, I did feel bad for the guy. "Why don't you stand on watch Jessica?" Dale suggested. I looked at the old man with his knowing eyes. I scolded a little, but walked over to the well anyway.

Everybody who was tugging the rope slowly let Glenn sink down the well. "Are you alright down there?" I asked concerned. "Yep, doing great! Living the dream..." "I'm sorry about earlier..." but I didn't know how to finish. It seemed like this might be the only chance I would get to say I was sorry, but I didn't need everybody to know what I was sorry for. "Don't go apologizing on me now Jess, that's not a good sign." "Yeah you're right, you're doing great!"

Then, all of a sudden, the water pump we'd used as an improvised lever or pulley gave out, dropping Glenn further down the well than anticipated. Everybody, including me scrambled to catch the end of the rope before Glenn became walker food. We all pulled with all our might, when finally Glenn's head reached the edge of the well. Glenn came out panting, as I scrambled to get close. "Are you all right?! Shit!" Glenn was still catching his breath when Dale spoke with a disappointed tone in his voice, "back to the drawing board." A frustrated moan came out of Glenn's throat, followed by two words that left us all scrambling to the well in excitement and confusion: "Says you!" Somehow Glenn had managed to get that rope tied around the walker. I hugged him. "I'm really sorry Glenn. And I'm happy you're alive." "Me too, Jess."

We tried to lift the walker up, and we would have succeeded if it weren't for that fact that suddenly the body was ripped in two, and the legs and guts of the walker dropped down back in the well. The sight of the squiggly walker with its intestines hanging out nearly made me puke. Maggie felt just as queasy as I did, but she couldn't face it anymore when T-Dog bashed the walker's head in. I nudged Glenn to go over to Maggie, cause I could see she was having a hard time, but he didn't. "We need to seal of this well." Dale said. "Yeah, that might be a good idea." Shane answered. The T-Dog spoke, and his sarcasm kind of amused me, "Good thing we didn't do anything stupid like shoot it."

Everybody was frustrated, realizing that an hour of hard labor in the burning Georgian sun had resulted in a water well that we wouldn't be able to use for a least a decade – if we even lived to see the day. I wasn't expecting to be at the farm in 10 years, I kinda got the feeling that Hershel would want us to leave as soon as we found Sophia and Carl would be ready for travel again.

Then I started to wonder where I would be in 10 years. The only thing that I could imagine right now was that the walkers had been exterminated, and that was only if I would live to see a future that distant. I'd once dreamt of being a lawyer at Latham & Watkins, in San Francisco, possibly even become a partner one day, but that was now out of the question. I doubted the company even existed, or if the city was actually still what it once used to be. All those future prospects were now gone and irrelevant, and I needed to forget them, but it was hard. I still hadn't fully processed that the life I was knew was now gone, blown to shit by zombies: by dead people coming back to life and eat us. I stopped this negative thinking spiral, and tried to focus on the work that still needed to be done: fixing our water supply. Because this well was now useless, Dale, T-Dog and I decided to go on a run to a different well. Laundry was still waiting for us and we couldn't have people becoming dehydrated.

The end of the day was coming closer and Maggie and Glenn made it back safely to the camp. I walked over to Glenn. He was tying up the horses to a tree when he saw me coming. "Hey." I spoke softly, and he replied in a similar timid way. "Be careful, OK? I wanna see you come back in one piece!" I tried to joke a little, pounding his shoulder. He looked up. "Yeah no worries, I will. I've done this before." I smiled. "Good. Best of luck out there!" I smiled and walked away.

I decided to check on Carol. She had gone to the highway to leave some supplies and to check if Sophia had made it back to our old camp. I asked around, and Dale said that she had been in the RV for a while now. I walked over to the Winnebago and stepped inside. But instead of seeing Carol, I saw Daryl's back. I swallowed, not ready for an unexpected confrontation. I was hoping though that he wouldn't be so rude to Carol as he had been to me. He was talking in a soft voice.

"But eh, I believe that this one is bloomin' for your little girl." I heard a sniffle coming from Carol. Crap, he made her cry!

"What the fuck Daryl, think you haven't done enough damage today? Why you gotta go and make Carol cry?" I butted in. I couldn't believe this guy! He turned around sharply and realized it was me. I could see the anger in his eyes as his jaw and fists clenched in frustration. I looked back at him, refusing to put my eyes down. I was used to these kinds of threatening looks. Besides the criminals I had helped put behind bars, some of the lawyers thought that intimidation would work on me, and I had learned to prove them wrong. Seeing Daryl got me all riled up, and I was ready for a fight.

Instead, he surprised me. He looked at Carol and said: "She's gonna really like it in here." Then he stormed out of the RV. Unfortunately, I was in his way, so he shoved me aside roughly. My thigh connected with the pointy end of the table and I let out a quick breath. I wasn't gonna give him the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. I looked after him, mumbling 'jackass', before I turned around again to face Carol. I put my hand on my thigh and rubbed it. That was gonna bruise.

"Are you okay Carol?" I asked worryingly. She looked up and gave me a weak smile. "What did Daryl say? Man, I swear I will make sure he'll pay for whatever he did!" I promised her. This made her chuckle slightly. "No, that's not necessary. He was actually really kind." I must've looked very surprised, because another smile reached her lips. She pointed at a white flower in a beer bottle vase. "He gave me that. It's a Cherokee Rose apparently. It's beautiful. He just told me an old story, saying that that Rose was blooming for Sophia." She smiled at the memory of her daughter.

"Oh. Well, in that case..." I said stunned. I didn't know what else to say, so I looked at the rose again. It was a beautiful, delicate flower. I had seen it before, I had just never given it a second look. Now that I saw it, its loveliness was quite overwhelming. I hadn't seen anything so pretty, soft and innocent in a really long time. Hell, I started to wonder if I had ever seen anything so gorgeous.

I broke away from yet another daydream. I started to realize that I had been lost in thought a lot lately. This meant that I was starting to feel safe. I didn't have to constantly look over my shoulder and life had been more domesticated that I had experienced in the past months. My body, being at rest, – or at least not in a constant adrenaline rush – allowed for my brains to relax as well. My brain responded by contemplation and reflection; there was a lot to think about after all. I saw it as a luxury, and I was planning on cherishing it. I turned to Carol, gave her a kind smile and I left the RV to go to my tent. I needed to lay down for a little bit.

Today was just another day, but in had been different in so many ways. After the fight this morning with Daryl, I had felt hopeless for the God-knows-how-manieth time. But he also made me angry, and I hadn't felt anger in a very long time. I had just grown numb to my surroundings. Whatever happened happened, and if it sucked, I would cry because I felt sorry for myself. Yet, Daryl had challenged that state of numbness by making me angry, and I started to believe that it was a good thing. It meant that I was starting to feel something again. Passion had always been a big drive for me in pursuing a career in law: I wanted to help people who were being wronged. It didn't always happen that way, but the cases in which I could contribute significantly to make things a little bit better pushed me through. I was passionate and I cared about the result. Now, I felt that same passion slowly creeping back up in me, and I was shocked to find that I hadn't even realized it was gone in the first place. A will to fight, a spark had come back to life again and it was feeding on the anger and frustration I had felt when I was arguing with Daryl. The compassion for Carol was also strongly represented, but frustration was still a bigger drive. I started to feel like myself again; the strong and independent woman I was before, who could kick some serious legal butt. I took a deep breath, as I felt the oxygen flow through my lungs and into my veins. I felt truly alive for the first time since the virus outbreak, aware of my surroundings and of what I needed to do to survive. I knew that I was ready to face the future, whatever cruelties it had in store for us, but it was a little frightening when I realized that I felt this way because of Daryl. That recognition threw me back a little, because it meant that first of all, I needed to apologize to him, and second I might not be as independent as I had had always believed...


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N:** Hey y'all, I just wanted to thank those of you who sent me reviews. I realized that even though I did check my stories, I hadn't been careful enough. I hope my mistakes are all gone now, thanks for letting me know. Also, I hope that the length of the chapters is getting better. I just needed to set the story in the beginning, and I didn't really know how else to do it.

As to the comment I received of the group treating Jessica poorly, I thought about it, and I could see where you were coming from. I altered my original story a little bit so that she'll become more part of the group. Thanks for the tip and I hope you'll like it!

* * *

The next morning felt like a fresh new start for me. I was determined to contribute to the group and become a valuable member. But first, I needed to face my demon. I knew they would really get the search for Sophia going today, so I needed to talk to Daryl sooner rather than later. I wanted to apologise for my jumping to conclusions the night before, but I also wanted to make sure that he wasn't giving Carol false hope. I hadn't forgotten our verbal falling out from the day before, where he explicitly stated that he though Sophia was dead. I couldn't imagine Daryl being as cruel as he had been the day before, but he had proven me wrong, so I prepared myself for the worst.

I walked over to his tent and he sighed as soon as he saw me, trying to find a way out. "Look, I don't want any trouble, okay? I just wanted to apologise for last night." "Yeah, well, you can take your apologies and shove it where the sun don't shine." He replied. I took a deep breath, trying to keep my cool. "That's fair, seeing as I judged you wrongly. Look, I just want to make sure you are not giving Carol false hope about Sophia okay? She has to have hope, but she also needs to make room for the possible idea that it isn't going to end well." I told him honestly. "Why d'you think I care 'bout what you think I should or shouldn't do? You don't even know why I went to Carol." I could see him getting frustrated again, which was the last thing I wanted. I had every intention of taming the bull, but it seemed that with everything I said it just got riled up more and more, ready to attack. "Look, Daryl, whether you care about my opinion or not is entirely up to you, but I just don't believe that you have given up on the girl. Especially after I saw you talking to Carol. You're not that cruel."

He sighed, realising I just said something that could be interpreted as a compliment. "I got a lead yesterday," he spoke. "I found an old abandoned house. It had a cupboard inside with some blankets, but it was only big enough for a small person or a child to hide in. Sophia might still be out there. It seems like she could have survived for longer than a couple of days, which means she might've been able to survive 'till now." His voice was kind when he spoke, and it was a pleasant sound. I calmed down a bit as well, happy that disaster was averted. "That's great news!" I beamed. He nodded, as he got up out of his tent and started walking over to the stables. He kept a fast pace, and I assumed that he was trying to get rid of me, but I chose to ignore that. His crossbow hung over his shoulder, and he was carrying a bag in his left hand. I walked with him in silence. I felt like I needed to tell him one more thing, but I was a little hesitant because I was afraid Daryl wasn't gonna like it. When we got to the stables, Daryl walked over to the first horse he saw and took a saddle.

"Hey, can you stay on the look out?" Daryl asked. "For what? There ain't no walkers on the farmland." Daryl stayed eerily quiet as he saddled the horse and put on the bridle. My eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Daryl, does Hershel know you're taking one of his horses?" I asked. He didn't reply, but his body language told me enough. "Daryl! You can't do this, we're guests here. We can't risk Hershel getting mad at us and throwing us off his property!" Daryl didn't reply, and instead just kept working on preparing the horse for the day. He flung the bag he had brought over the horse, behind the saddle and strapped it on tightly. I put my hand on his arm in a demanding way, to stop him from continuing to saddle the horse. "I'm gonna tell Hershel, Daryl, you can't do this. I won't let you. We need to ask for permission if we want to stay here." I proclaimed.

But as I turned around to tell Hershel, Daryl grabbed my arm and held me back. I hated be treated like a piece of cattle, being tossed and dragged around whenever it was convenient for others. I made a quick movement with my arm to release it from Daryl's grip, and when I turned around I could see a slight surprise disappearing from his face rapidly. I was a little satisfied to see that I was able to surprise him, and I was thanking my mom on insisting I'd take self defense training if I wanted to study criminal law.

I stared him in the eye. "This is wrong Daryl, and you know it. I know finding Sophia is important, but we can take one minute to ask Hershel permission to use his horse." My tone was final and Daryl didn't like it. He looked at me like a little stubborn boy who just had his toy taken away, then he mounted the horse and drove off. I cursed loudly and slammed the box's door shut. That man really knew how to get me riled up. I made my way over to the house; I hadn't been joking about telling Hershel.

Hershel was working on some of his tools when I approached him. When I greeted him, he looked up and returned the curtsy. "Mornin' to you too. Can I help you with anything?" I sighed, not sure how I should tell him about Daryl. "You look troubled young lady. Jessica, wasn't it?" I nodded. "Yes sir. I came to tell you something, but I want you to know that it does in no way represent the intentions of the group." I tried to ensure him, but this only made him look more worried. "Well, what is it?" He demanded. "Daryl took one of your horses to go out and look for Sophia, but I'm under the impression he did so without your consent. I just wanted you to know, because I don't want you to see this as an act of the group and make us leave your property." I honestly told him. His look darkened a bit, and I thought the old many looked quite scary. "Thanks for telling me dear. I was indeed unaware of this. I need to talk to Rick." I nodded. "Would you want me to come with?" I hoped he would let me. I knew I was good at negotiations, so maybe I would be able to keep the peace. He nodded and sent out Beth to go look for Rick.

While we waited, I got to know Hershel a little bit better. He was a kind man, who'd seen his fair share of trouble in his life. He did the best he could under bad circumstances, and he reminded me of Rick somehow. "How long have you lived here?" I wanted to know. "It's beautiful and I can see the effort and love you've put in taking care of this place." "Well, I grew up here when I was a little boy, I loved the farm life. I had to leave when I was 15 years old, I couldn't bear being with my good-for-nothing father any longer, but I came back after he passed away, taking over the reigns of the farm. That was about 30 years ago now."

Rick looked troubled when he came to the shed where Hershel was working. His face relieved a bit of stress when he saw me with Hershel and I smiled at him, but he knew something was up. "Jessica here told me of my horses is missing. Did one of your people take it?" Hershel asked with an accusing tone. This was not the tone I had been hoping for, but it was understandable. "I was given the impression you knew about that." Rick replied. "I did not." Hershel was pretty pissed. "Daryl's body language betrayed to me that he hadn't asked Hershel. I tried to stop him, but you know how he is." I said, trying to soften the men up a bit. Rick nodded, understanding where the man was coming from. "I'll have a word with Daryl." Rick took it well. "And Jimmy? You took him out today. Did he also give you the impression of my consent?" I didn't know anything about this, and I looked at Rick worried. This wasn't going well – two strikes on one day. I was just hoping that we wouldn't get kicked out at 3. "No, he said it outright. I took the boy to his word." "He's 17. He's not my kin, but I am responsible for him. These things need to be cleared with me." Jimmy mattered more to Hershel than the horse Daryl took, I could hear it in his voice. It made sense of course, Jimmy was part of his family now, and Hershel needed to take care of him. "Sounds like we need to work on our communication. What do you suggest?" Rick asked. "Keep it simple. I control my people, you control yours." Hershel answered. "Yeah, I suggested that we won't be assuming anything anymore from now on. Everything we do, we talk to Hershel first. It's the least we can do to thank him for his hospitality." I chimed in, trying to crystalize the idea. Rick nodded in agreement.

Neither of these men wanted to have a falling out, that was clear, but boundaries needed to be set. I was looking at Rick during the conversation with Hershel and I admired his social skills. I know I said it before, but it seems like he was an outstanding cop. Cool, calm and collected. Listened when he needed to, and drew conclusions based on the knowledge he had. If there were anyone in this camp I'd want to lead us, it would be Rick. He was open, caring, and made decisions based on a sense of right and wrong, in combination with the need to survive. I saw him struggle, but he had done really well so far with the group. I followed Rick when he turned around to walk back to our camp. "Thanks Hershel, and sorry again." I said before we turned around the shed.

"Sorry Rick, I didn't want to be trouble, I was just thinking in the interest of the group. What Daryl did was wrong, and I thought Hershel deserved to hear it from us, before he found out himself." I explained to Rick, hoping he wouldn't be mad. "Don't worry Jess, you did the right thing. I mean, our hands will be tied a little bit more from now on, but I'd rather have some more constraints and be safe, than free and in the wilderness with those walkers." I was relieved to hear that Rick agreed with me.

"You know, Daryl won't be happy you told on him." Rick laughed. "Yeah, well, he'll just have to grow up. I didn't like it when he took the horse without permission. I think he should become a bit more of a team player." "It's not that I don't agree with you, but I'm not sure if I'm that optimistic. He's a Dixon. Now you didn't meet his brother, but that was a piece of work. I feel bad sayin' it, but I'm relieved Merle isn't here. That man was trouble." I listened to what he said about Daryl and his brother Merle. It sounded like Merle was a dominant aggressor. Maybe that's why Daryl acted so tough; it was the only way he would be able to survive with his brother as a companion. I couldn't help but begin to suspect a different side to Daryl. The whole thing with Carol and the rose still threw me off. "I kinda figured about Merle." I said. "Daryl gave T-Dog some antibiotics for the cut in his arm, and he told us that they were Merle's, because he got the clap. And I saw the logo of the Schutzstaffel on the tank of the bike. Seems like Merle ain't just a redneck, but a Nazi too." "Yeah, Merle's sure was something." Rick sighed.

"What happened to Merle?" I asked. I'd heard Glenn's story, but it was kinda hard to believe. The older Dixon sounded like a tough sun of a bitch, one that wouldn't go down without a fight. "I met part of the group in Atlanta, Glenn rescued me from a herd of walkers. Merle was up on the rooftop of a building, shooting at walkers. It was a pure waste of ammo and it attracted the walkers to our location. The group called him out on it, but he started to beat up T-Dog. Didn't like him so much, if you know what I mean." I nodded. "I got fed up, so I handcuffed him to a pipe on that roof. By the time we had to leave the city, T-Dog dropped the key to release Merle, so we left him there. When we went back the next day to save him, he was gone, except for his hand. He'd used a saw to cut his hand off so he could flee. Then he stole our car." So Glenn had been right, and Merle really was a bit crazy. My face must've given some of my disgust away, because Rick started laughing, and exclaimed "Yeah, Merle's tough. 'Ain't nobody gonna kill Merle, but Merle.' Daryl said. Seems like that's true. We have no idea where he is now, and frankly, I'm relieved we don't."

We'd made our way back to camp. Carol and Lori were heading out to the house to cook dinner. I told them I'd wash up and I'd see them there. I passed the RV on my way to my tent, where Dale confronted Andrea, who was on the roof, keeping guard. "I don't wanna wash clothes anymore Dale, I wanna help keep the camp safe. Is that alright with you?" She challenged.

I sighed and went to my tent. I cleaned up a bit, but I decided to take a quick nap. I fell asleep quickly, but I awoke by the sound of Andrea's spooked voice about an hour later, when she yelled "Walker! Walker!"


	12. Chapter 11

**A/N: **Hey y'all, I just wanted to thank everybody who started following my story, or favorited it (Is that a word? Well, now it is). It means a lot to me that you guys like it. This is my first real attempt at writing a fan fic after a couple crash-and-burn attempts. Please feel free to leave comments, especially if you don't like it. I'd love to hear feedback on how I could improve my story.

As to my main character being a tattle tale: yes, she is. But nobody's perfect, eh?

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Rick, Glenn, T-Dog and Shane ran out to deal with the walker, as I scrambled out of my tent. I heard Rick yell at Andrea not to shoot it, and that they would deal with it, but as soon as they were minutes out, she raised the weapon and aimed. I guess she couldn't get a clear shot, because she lowered and lay down on the top of the Winnebago. Dale yelled "Andrea! Don't!" but she didn't listen. I knew Andrea was going to take the shot, because I had noticed her stubbornness over the past few days. I didn't think twice as I rushed my way over to the RV and climbed on top. I wanted to yank Andrea away, but she'd already fired. I saw the walker go down and I heard her let out a laugh of relief. It quickly disappeared when we hear Rick yell "NO! NOOO!"

"What'd you do that for!" I yelled at the blond woman. So many things were running through my mind. The shot could've attracted walkers; why did she need to prove herself so badly?; why did Rick yell no? Everybody came running out of the house, and Hershel was pissed. "What the hell is going on out here?" He yelled.

I pulled the rifle away from Andrea and dragged her off the RV.

"Andrea, you really need to cut this bullshit and start listening to Rick. Your shot might have attracted a herd of walkers, and you put all of us in danger. If Rick says he'll handle it, he will. The four of them wouldn't have have had any problem taking that walker down nice and quietly. Stop making all this about you." I yelled at her.

"Shut up bitch! You can't tell me what to do! I took down that walker, I saved us all!"

Then I turned around and ran to the group surrounding the walker. It seemed like they were now carrying the it and I started to think that it might not be a walker at all to begin with. When we got closer, I saw that it was Daryl who was limping between Shane and Rick.

"Oh my God, is he dead?" Andrea asked frantically. I guess she ran after me "You just grazed him." I was relieved, but I couldn't help my self. "It's a good thing you're so inexperience Andrea, otherwise you would've killed him!" Andrea looked down in guilt. I couldn't hep but worry about Daryl when I saw him hurt like that. I didn't want him to die.

"Look at him, what the hell happened?" Glenn butted in. "He's wearing ears!" I took a close look at Daryl and saw that he was, in fact, wearing ears on a string around his neck. Well, that was disturbing. Rick quickly took those off. "Let's keep that to ourselves."

Suddenly T-Dog's voice stopped us all. "Guys, isn't this Sophia's?" he asked, holding up a doll. I gasped for breath. Another sign that she was alive! But first, we needed to get Daryl inside.

Once Daryl was in Hershel's qualified hands, I stomped off to Andrea. I don't know why I was so angry with her, but all this shit from her about having to prove herself nearly got somebody killed today. When she saw me coming, she started walking the other way. "Oh no you don't." "What do you want Jessica!" She yelled in return, as I yanked her around. "Make me feel even worse? Rub it in how I nearly got Daryl killed? What!" She had been crying and I could see in her face that she felt guilty. My anger calmed a little and I decided to take a different approach. Yelling at her would only push us farther apart, and I knew that above everything, we needed each other together as a group if we wanted to survive.

"Listen Andrea, I need you to realize that you're a valued member of our group. You're smart, and strong, and you care. But you gotta stop thinking that you're not allowed to shoot because you're a woman. Rick could care less about that. He just wants to make sure that those who know how to shoot have a gun, because he wants to prevent accidents like the one today. I know you wanted to protect the group, but you let this whole gender discussion get in your way. It got you all riled up and it made you too eager to pull that trigger. The fact that they don't want you to carry a gun has nothing to do with the fact that you're a woman, it's got to do with the fact that you are too eager." My voice had gotten softer, I needed her to understand that I was sincere and honest with her. "I don't blame you Andrea, I know what it's like to be a woman in a world that seems to be dominated by men, but I am asking you to think twice next time. We can't have friendly fire killing our own. And what if a herd of walkers had heard your shot? You could've signed your death sentence." She nodded, and she dried her eyes.

"Tomorrow, Shane is gonna teach us how to shoot. You should come, because I have a feeling that there's gonna be a day all of us will need to take aim and fire."

With that, I left Andrea alone with her thoughts. "Thanks," she sniffled. I looked back and gave her a small, encouraging smile. I saw Dale coming up to her and comfort her. As I walked away, I stopped real short. "How's she holding up?" Dale inquired. "She'll be fine." "You weren't too harsh on her? She's a good girl." Dale defended her. I smiled at his protective nature. Andrea was lucky to have him as a friend. "No, I don't think so. She needed to be told to back off though. I think she got the message." Dale nodded, then moved on towards Andrea. He was better at it than I was, I just wanted give her a piece of my mind. I knew she wouldn't be punished. If this were a regular day, she could've gone away for attempted murder, so I wanted to at least have her understand the severity of what she had done. But she also needed to know that she had a chance to redeem herself. Nobody had gotten seriously injured.

I walked inside to see how Daryl was doing, when Rick and Shane came out of the door. Lori was waiting for them and I joined her. Rick and Shane had an argument about whether or not to stop looking for Sophia, but I was with Rick on this: we couldn't stop, not when we had found hard evidence! I could feel the tension rising between the two, so I slipped into Daryl's room. However, that didn't stop me from catching Shane throw me a dirty look.

When I closed the door I heard a sound behind me. Daryl shifted on the bed, quickly covering his bare chest like a little boy afraid I might give him cooties. I chuckled at the amusing sight of the grown, muscular man acting so childishly. "How are you feeling?" I asked him, walking over and sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Why do you care?" I heard the hostility in his voice and I sighed, not feeling the emotional strength to deal with his angry mood. I got up again. "Look Daryl, I didn't come to fight. I just wanted to make sure you're OK. You had me worried there when you went down." My voice was soft. "What's it to ya? I'm just some disgusting redneck. Leave me alone, I don't want you here." For some reason, that last remark stung. "Ok Daryl, whatever you need. I hope you feel better soon." I walked towards the door, but when I was halfway out, I wanted to tell him one last thing. "Please know that we're all grateful for what you've done for Sophia. Especially Carol." I left the room, and took a couple of deep breaths to steady my heartbeat and choke back some unwanted tears. I was really starting to get good at that. I was hoping that I was establishing something of a place for myself in this group, but it seemed like I hadn't fully been accepted still. That didn't stop me from worrying about the people though, and I was frustrated that I had started to care about them already. It seemed that, if I didn't care too much, I wouldn't get hurt either.

I walked to the kitchen, pretended everything was fine and helped out with the preparation for the big meal. When I had the chance, I walked up to Carol. "Hey, I think it might be a good if you would go up and talk to Daryl. He shut me out, and I figured that you have more experience with little boys, being a mom and all. You might be able to get through to him." She looked up at me and nodded. "I'll go bring him some dinner when it's ready." "Thanks Carol. So, what can I do?" I asked changing the subject before it got too much for me to handle. For the rest of the afternoon, I cut vegetables, cleaned herbs, and boiled potatoes. For the very first time in a while, I felt normal again. Standing in a kitchen, cooking with two other women, making a meal for a large group of people. It reminded me of home, and my big family. Our house seemed to be a central meeting point for everybody: aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, grandparent, boyfriends and girlfriends, fiancees... I smiled at the memory of our packed kitchen on a random weekday, and I sighed in content. Carol and Lori were really nice to me, and they made me forget I had felt so rejected by Daryl before. I finally started to feel part of the group.

The dinner itself was rather awkward, to be honest. It was eerily quiet, only the sound of cutlery scratching the plates and glassed being lifted and put down echoed through the room. Glenn, the sweet boy, attempted to improve the atmosphere by asking if anyone played guitar. Apparently they had found it somewhere in an abandoned car, but nobody knew how to play. "Otis knew..." Patricia whispered. Glenn's smile dropped from his face and turned around uncomfortably, having brought up the hard loss. "He was actually quite good at it too." Hershel added. And with that remark, the short conversation ended as miserably as it had started not a minute before.

When the torturous dinner was finally over, I helped clean up. I didn't have anything else to do, and it occupied my find. I was numbly drying a plate, when Lori asked me if I could go upstairs and pick up Daryl's dishes. I quickly looked around to see if Carol was there, to ask her if she could do it, but she wasn't in the kitchen. I took a deep breath and put a fake smile on my face. "Sure." I put the plate and towel down and moved to the stairs. I could do this; I was not going to let Daryl get to me. I was just running an errand, and he just so happened to be in the room where I had to pick something up. No big deal.

I knocked on his door softly, but I didn't hear a reply. I quietly opened up the door just enough to see that Daryl's back was turned towards me. I heard a soft regular breathing pattern, indicating he was sleeping. I was relieved, because I wouldn't have to deal with him. I snuck into the room and grabbed the plate, but when I looked up, I was shocked. Daryl's back had been partially uncovered in his sleep and I could see several scars running across his back. It took me a second or two to snap out of the stare I had been engaging in, and I made my way out of the room.

While I walked downstairs my mind started filling up with reasons why his back could be so mangled, none of them very pretty. It started to make sense now why I had thought that there was more to Daryl than his rough exterior. It seemed a defence mechanism. As I realized this, I also figured that I knew very little about him, and that he might be much more tormented than I had ever anticipated.


	13. Chapter 12

The next day Glenn came to see me. "Hey buddy, what's up?" I greeted him. "You want some peaches?" He asked me, avoiding eye contact. "Sure, thanks!" I grabbed two, immediately biting down in one. "How've you been? I haven't really talked to you in a while," I continued. "Any improvement with Maggie?"

"What? No, I'm fine." He answered distractedly. I narrowed my eyes at him, because I could tell he was lying to me. Before he walked away, I grabbed his arm. "Hey, Glenn, are you sure you're okay? I'm gonna be frank here, I can tell that you're lying. So if you don't wanna say, that's fine. We're all allowed to our secrets. But don't lie Glenn, please." He sighed and looked away. Then he put down his basket of peaches.

"Ok. I don't know, but everybody's been dumping their secrets on me lately, and I can't lie to save my life! And now I found out this secret, with which I am really, really uncomfortable. I just want to tell somebody, because I think everybody deserves to know, but if I tell, Maggie will never trust me again!" He looked so sad "Ok, I'm not here to pry the secrets out of you, but seeing that it would make you very sad to loose Maggie's trust, I'm assuming that things are going well between the two of you?" I asked kindly, and I took another bite from the sweet fruit. He smiled at that. "Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda weird, but I think it's looking up." "Why has it been weird?" I asked. "Well, remember that day we went into town? To get some supplies?" I remembered that day, and I felt a little guilt coming up again. I hadn't been the nicest person that day. "Yeah." "Well, we kinda had sex at the pharmacy." My eyes widened. I had not seen that coming. I started grinning. "Well done sir, well done," I applauded him. He looked at me, stunned at my reaction and started laughing. "Growing up with four brothers and all their guy friends tends to do that to you." I joked. Memories came back. Playing baseball with them, rolling around in the mud, getting rough on each other and showing no mercy. And of course, when they started dating, I was there when they shared all the juicy details about their hook-ups. I had always naturally assumed that complementing someone after a score was normal, until I started hanging out with some girls in high school. I remember when one of my friends lost her virginity and I wanted to give her a high five. Most awkward moment ever. "So anyway, you and Maggie huh? I wouldn't want to break that trust either, you seem to really like her. But let me ask you this: What would you want anybody else to do if they were in your shoes?" That was enough deep talk for me so early in the morning and I needed to do something. "Good luck Glenn, and I got your back, whatever you decide." "Thanks Jess." I nodded and walked away.

I saw Carl walking around, which made me very happy. "Hey little man! How are you doing today? You're looking pretty stalla!" He smiled at me. "Hey Jessica! I do feel good, I'm happy get out of the bed." "I can imagine. We all had quite the scare, but you're pretty tough, just like your old man." He grinned at that. "I got the hat to prove it." I pulled him in for a sideways hug. "You want a peach? They're delicious." I asked, handing him the spare peach I'd taken. He grabbed it with both hands and took a big bite out of it, the sweet, sticky juice flowing out over his chin and hands. We started giggling at his messy attempt to eat, and I cleaned his face of with a handkerchief I now always carried with me around my wrist. "Oh boy, you remind me of my brothers. They were messy eaters too." "Brothers? You had more than one?" I looked down at him and sighed. "Yeah. You know about Keith, right?" Carl nodded. "He was my younger brother, always being teased by the rest." I took his hat off, put my arm around his neck and rubbed his head with my knuckle. "Just like that." I grinned. He laughed and gave me a slight push as I let him go. I picked up his hat for him and carefully placed it back on his head.

"I had three older brothers. I was the only girl. Dad was proud of all of his sons, but he always loved the fact that I was a girl. I was his little girl." My voice trailed away, not wanting to think about him too much. "My older brothers were Michael, James and Zach. I loved them to bits, always looking out for me, protecting me from boys, ya know. High school was quite the challenge, because no boy dared to ask me out. Michael joined the Marines, he was so proud to serve his country. Did two tours in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. Came back to us each and every single time. I have no idea if he's still alive, because he was called upon to serve when the virus broke out. They needed every man they could get. He's a tough one to crack, but I'm just hoping he's alive."

I swallowed hard. This was the first time I'd actually allowed myself to think about them and what might have happened to them since the outbreak. I hadn't been able to face the fear of never seeing them again, and so I pushed them out. It made life bearable. But now I knew I needed to talk about them to somebody. I felt a little guilty dumping this all on Carl, but he seemed eager to listen.

I sighed deeply, hearing how my voice had weakened. "Then there's James, he was the family's black sheep. I felt so bad for him, because he just wanted to live a different life. He didn't care about school or money, something I always admired him for. He had some bad experiences with drugs, but my brothers and I managed to get him out of that life. And then one day, he'd just disappeared. A week later, I found a note in one of his favorite children's books, telling us that he couldn't deal with the pressure anymore and that he had to get away. A year later, we got a phone call from him, saying he was doing well, and that we didn't have to worry about him. That was about four years ago now. I'd like to think that he's still alive, but I haven't been sure of that for a very long time." I'd almost gotten used to the idea I would never see James again, way before any of this shit happened. I just missed my brothers, having their arms wrap around me protectively, knowing exactly what to say to make me feel better.

"And Zach? What about Zach?" Carl asked. I smiled down at the little boy. He really did remind me of my brothers, especially Zach. "Zach was very special to me. He looked a lot like you actually, brown hair, blue eyes. Out of all my brothers, Zach and I were the closest. We were twins." I laughed at the memories that came passing by.

"One time, when we were around 12 years old, we decided to make everybody go crazy. I got the same haircut as him and started wearing the same clothes for a day. Our teachers were so confused and we both ended up getting detention for 2 weeks. It also took me quite some time to get my hair nice and long again. That was what my mom was most upset about, that I had cut my hair." Carl grinned. "Sounds like fun. I sometimes wish I would have a brother or sister, I think I would be good at being an older brother." "I think you would be the best big brother anybody could ever wish for."

"So where is Zach?" Carl asked. "Zach is the only one whose whereabouts I actually know." I started and Carl started to get excited. "You could find him then!" He beamed. I looked down, with a sad face. "He's dead Carl. He died in a car crash about a year ago. He's buried in Macon." I was crying now. I felt very alone, until I felt two arms wrap around my waist. "It's okay Jessica. Your brothers sound like very strong people, I am sure they are still alive." The courage of the little boy helped remind me that I needed to be brave, so I stopped crying. There was nothing I could do about my brothers, I just had to believe that they were capable of protecting themselves. I lowered to Carl's level and gave him a big bear hug. "Thanks little man. Did I ever tell you I think you're incredibly brave?" He shook his head. "Well you are. You are the bravest man I know. Now how about we go find your momma, okay?"

When we turned around, I saw Daryl standing there. By the looks on his face, I could tell he pretty much heard the whole damn thing. Not wanting to deal with him, Carl and I greeted him and walked past him to find Lori.

"Hey Jessica, do you think my dad will let me come to gun training today?" he asked. "I don't know sweetie, but it never hurts to ask." I dropped him off with his mom and I walked back over to my own tent. I really needed to get ready for gun practice. I was about to undress when someone, a man, scraped they throat outside my tent. I pulled up the zipper and saw Daryl. My mood darkened a little; I felt so conflicted with regards to Daryl. On the one hand, I felt like I could rip his head off, on the other, I felt nothing but sadness for the man. I didn't want him to get any satisfaction knowing I was affected by his presence, so I kept my face neutral. "Hey. What's up?" I asked. He scratched the back of his head, looking uncomfortable. "I eh, I wanted see how you're doing." He said talking around the problem. "I'm fine Daryl. But I'm gonna be late for gun practice, so if you could make it quick, I would appreciate it." "Look, I don't really know how to do this, so..." his voice trailed off, seeming lost. It amused me to no end, and I wanted him to suffer a little bit longer. "Come on, Daryl, I'm waiting. Hurry up." I knew I was pushing his buttons and it made it all the more fun. "Oh hell woman, why you gotta be so damn difficult? I just wanted to say that maybe you weren't entirely wrong on the whole horse topic." I smirked. "I know Daryl, it's fine, don't worry. And seeing as you don't really know how to apologise, how about next time you have to do this, you start with the word 'sorry', huh? Think you can manage?" I was grinning at him now, while Daryl scoffed at me.

"How's your wound anyway?" I inquired, pointing at his side. The tension was gone and I didn't worry about his personal space for the first time. Maybe also because my mind was still a bit preoccupied. "It's fine. Hershel said I'll have another scar to add to the collection." "Another one?" I played dumb. He didn't need to know I had seen him the night before. "How come? If you don't mind me asking." "Hunting accidents mainly, some bar fights." I nodded, although I felt like he wasn't telling me something. "Sorry to hear that. But I'm glad you're okay, I hope you can believe that." I smiled at him, trying my best to be sincere, but the talk with Carl still lingered on in my mind. I was happy he hadn't brought up what he had heard me say about my brothers. He gave me a look I couldn't place. "Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to change." "I don't mind at all, go right ahead. I'll just sit myself down right here, grab a cold one or somethin'." Daryl was looking cocky, his eyebrows up suggestively. I just looked stunned, my mouth hanging open a bit. "Was that a joke that just came out of your mouth?"

This made him laugh a little, his eyes turned to the ground as his shook his head. The smile looked good on him; it took the worry off of his face, if only for a second or two. It allowed me to take a glance of the kind of man he could be, not the bitter, resentful and angry man he was now. "You have a nice smile, Daryl." I said kindly. "I'd like to see it more often." He wasn't sure how to respond to that, so he brought his hand to the back of his hand again. I chuckled when I realized the compliment made him feel uncomfortable. "Yeah, well, I gotta go." With that final proclamation he turned around and left.

I couldn't help but feel satisfied with what had just happened, and a smile appeared on my face, removing any thoughts previous to that odd conversation I'd just had.


	14. Chapter 13

**A/N:** Hey guys, this is a short one, but I hope ya'll like it. I kinda like how I've written Daryl in this chapter. Also, I wanted to thank everybody who followed/favourited the story. I've always written for myself, resulting in me never finishing a story, and this whole audience/followers thing is kinda new to me, but I hope I'll be able to live up to your expectations! At least I have something to finish the story for :)

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Shooting practice turned out to be quite fun. I'd never fired a weapon in my life, so I was a little hesitant at first, but I had to give it to him, Shane was one hell of an instructor. After a couple of bullets I finally hit my target for the first time, and the sense of accomplishment I felt was pretty great. A few rounds later, I had a streak of 8 consecutive hits, and I was proud of myself. Rick was satisfied as well, and I was happy that I would be able to better help protect the group. Whether I would actually be able to shoot a walker in the head had to been seen, but I at least I could aim at it now, and slow it down.

Andrea was doing a really good job out there, and her shot had become much more accurate. I was relieved to see that, and when I saw her looking over at me, I nodded at her. She returned the gesture, and it seemed like we were okay, like we had reached a mutual understanding of some sorts. I don't think we would ever become friends, but I trusted her more now, and that was OK with me.

Carl was out there with us as well, with Lori and Rick were both watching him closely. I saw Rick was proud of him, and I smiled. "You're doing a good job there little man. You're kicking my butt!" Carl grinned at me, proud of what he had done. "Thanks Jessica! I need to know how to shoot, because I got to protect my family." I smiled down at the boy who had grown up so quickly. The maturity in his eyes was unnatural and unnerving, but I guess it had to be that way.

We all practiced a little bit longer, until Rick and Shane were satisfied with everybody's performance. It had taken us only about 2 hours, so it was still light out. We all headed back to camp. Lori and I decided we'd do some laundry, as it had been a while. We were all in need of some clean clothes.

We sat next to each other in the shade and talked some small talk. "I miss the student life. It all seemed so difficult at the time, but looking back on it, it was a blessing. My parents were still paying most of my bills, I always had time for my friends, no rent or job to worry about, and most of all, I miss the alcohol. God I miss having a beer with my friends." Lori looked up at me. "You like beer?" "Yeah, it's the cheapest drink on the market! Plus, I grew up with 4 brothers, 3 of whom were older, so they taught me how to drink it when I was around 16 or 17... God I miss them." "I know what you mean, I have an older brother as well, taught me a lot. Including the bad things." We grinned at that.

When the clothes were all dry a couple of hours later, we folded them into piles. By now we knew which clothes belonged to whom, so we made individual piles. Suddenly shouting disrupted our quiet time. "Hey! We got your stuff!" Maggie, who was really angry, was yelling at Lori. "Maggie, hang on, please!" Glenn pleaded with her, while Lori seemed embarrassed and tried: "Come, come on in here," as she was moving towards her tent. "Why? You got something to hide? We got your special delivery right here, your lotion, special conditioner... Your Soap Opera's digest? Next time you want something get it your damn self, we're not your errand boys." She was throwing things on the ground in front of Lori, while Glenn just looked lost, not knowing what to do with Maggie. I had no clue what the hell was going on at all. Lori tried again, "Honey...", but Maggie cut her off: "Here's your abortion pills." With that last venomous remark, Maggie threw some pills on the ground at Lori's feet and then stormed off followed by Glenn, who looked miserable being in the middle of it all. Lori looked stumped as she quickly picked up what I thought to be morning after pills from the ground.

I slowly moved over to Lori and put my hand on her shoulder. She hadn't expected it and she jumped slightly at the sudden touch. The embarrassed and bewildered look on her face as she turned around told me all I needed to know, and I nodded my head slightly, trying to indicate that I was on her side. She didn't look me in the eye as she quickly picked everything up from the ground and scurried to her tent. I figured she needed some alone time, so I finished folding the laundry and then made a round to drop it off at everybody's tents.

When I arrived at Daryl's tent, he was lying inside, reading some book. He looked up as I 'knocked' on his tent door. "Hey, I got some clean clothes for you. Might be nice to change out of that filthy rag you're wearing." He put the book down and sat up. "Thanks. How was shooting today?" He asked. I was a little surprised at his attempt to make small talk, but I tried not to show. I smiled at him. "It was really good actually. I managed to finally hit the target after a couple of shots. It felt strangely good." Daryl gave me a small smile, another surprise to me. "Good, glad to hear you're learning how to defend yourself. I can't always be there to do it for you." I chuckled at that. So he hadn't forgotten the debt I still owed him for saving my life. "Yeah, I guess you can't. What're you reading?" I asked, changing the subject, trying to forget the memory of the first day I met Daryl. "Oh, eh, it's called 'The Case of the Missing Man. It's pretty bad, it got no pictures. Andrea gave it to me." I tensed a bit at the mentioning of Andrea's name. I was still struggling to forgive her, even though I could understand. I don't know where this came from, because I could've sworn I'd moved past it. Daryl must have noticed, because next thing I knew, he was defending her: "She was protecting the group. I understand that. It's all good." "But she shot you Daryl!" I was getting riled up again, and Daryl sighed. "Look, I forgave her, so you should too. I ain't dead am I? Now stop fussin' over things you can't change." Those were some smart words coming out of that hick's mouth, and that was frustrating as hell. I didn't like to be proven wrong, and it didn't happen to me very often. I finally gave in, with a sour face. "Fine. I gotta go, more people need their laundry. Do you want me to put your laundry anywhere? I reckon you can't bend too much with those stitches." "I'm fine, just put 'em on my cot." Daryl must have noticed my sour face when I gave in to his arguments, because he was grinning slightly. I took out the laundry from the basket and placed it at his cot's end. "There. I'll see ya later." I smiled as I stepped out. I felt Daryl's gaze on me as I moved over towards Daryl's RV, but I withstood the urge to look back.

I couldn't help but feel Daryl was opening up a little, and I felt relieved. The man was a train wreck, but I wasn't able to shake off a gut feeling that Daryl was very innocent in some ways. With Daryl more relaxed and open, I couldn't help but feel attracted to him. He was strong and protective, two fine qualities for a man living in the apocalypse. He had a nice physique, which topped off by his crossbow, was just plain sexy.

I realized that maybe my attraction to Daryl was the reason I was still angry with Andrea. She'd hurt somebody I cared about, and I had always been protective of the people closest to me.

I was on dangerous territory. I needed to focus on myself, and my survival. Being attracted to the opposite sex just wasn't very practical. Like Daryl said, he couldn't be there for me all the time to save my butt, so I couldn't start depending on him, especially not emotionally.


	15. Chapter 14

_I'm standing in line for some amusement park with a bunch of high school kids. I'm one of the leaders, but I stand at the end of the line, making sure everybody gets in. Then, suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see a familiar face working the photo booth. You know, some of those places take your photo before you go in, and then when you go out they try to sell them for ridiculously high prices.  
Anyway. So I look over there and nobody other than Daryl Dixon is working the camera. I started smiling; I hadn't seen him in ages! I walk over, and I can't wait to greet him. He sees me and he starts to look embarrassed, trying to hide his face.  
"Daryl Dixon! Oh my god, I haven't seen you in forever! How are you?" I hug him tightly. It feels good to have him this close to me again.  
"Ah well, you know, paying the bills. This isn't my permanent job though." He tries to assure me. "Daryl, whatever you need to do to survive." I can't seem to stop smiling at him.  
"Oh, but I'm going to the Olympics in London in a couple of months, for archery!" He looks at me proudly. "Wow, Daryl that's great!"  
Suddenly somebody yells my name. I look around and see that my group is ready to go. I hold my breath as I turn around. "I'll see ya later Daryl. Maybe I'll come visit you in London." I smiled as I turned to walk away.  
The breath that escapes my lips is painful, as I have yet again passed by another opportunity to tell Daryl Dixon how I really feel about him._

I wake up and Carol is standing in the opening of my tent. Her posture spooked me, resulting in me nearly jumping out of my skin. "Breakfast is ready," she smiles at me. "God Carol, you almost gave me a heart attack! I'll be right out." Carol stepped away and I laid my head back down. Damn, that was one hell of a weird dream. At first I wondered why it was about Daryl, but if I was completely honest with myself, I knew. Daryl was a mighty fine looking man and I was a woman of flesh and blood. Truth be told, I hadn't felt this way in a long time, I was always burying myself with work. None of the men at the office had the same effect on me, even though some looked incredibly handsome in those suits. No, Daryl was like an animal: raw and strong, a protector. And it was those animalistic instincts in me that had resulted in this dream.

In my heart I knew that Daryl was a good man, that he was hurt and that the rudeness was a way to protect himself. But I also knew that I shouldn't go after him, because it would only end in heartbreak. Daryl was a loner for a reason, he thrived best without too much interference of others. But I guess a little bit of daydreaming wouldn't hurt anybody.

I remained in my tent for a little bit longer, letting the pleasure of the dream roam free. When Carol called my name a second time, I sighed, got up and walked to the small fire they'd started. It was still early out; the sun hadn't risen above the trees just yet. I wondered why Carol had woken me up so early, but the air was thick with anticipation, so I waited for someone to start talking. Everybody was gathered around the fire, eating quietly and keeping to themselves. The silence was a little eerie to be honest. I grabbed a plate and Carol put some hot eggs on it. Living on a farm did have its advantages, such as fresh eggs every morning. My back was hurting a little, but I ascribed it to the cot I had been sleeping on for the past couple of nights. As I sat down, I saw some eye movement and head nodding going on between Glenn and Dale. Glenn looked anxious, but he got up and tried to catch our attention.

"Eh, guys..." His voice trailed off and everybody went on with their business, not really paying attention. "So..." he continued, but barely anybody looked at him. I could see he was troubled, so I set down my plate and nodded at him. I guess he was finally ready to tell us one of those secrets he'd mentioned to me earlier. However, I never would've predicted what came out of his mouth next: "The barn's full of walkers." My eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets, and he definitely got everyone's attention now. Shane looked furious with Hershel, most of the others looked scared, but Rick looked angry beyond belief – almost as if he had known and blamed Glenn for telling the group about it.

"What do you mean, Glenn, when you say that there are walkers in the barn?" I asked, still dumbfounded. "What d'you think it means, it means the old man keeps those flesh eating monsters on his land. I thought we were safe here!" Shane yelled. Rick spoke up. "Let's go check it out first." Rick said, and he got up and walked to the barn.

We all followed him to the barn, leaving our meals behind. I quickly stuffed some more eggs in my mouth – if this was gonna escalate, we might not be here anymore by nightfall, so I needed to eat as much as I could.

When I arrived at the barn, behind everybody else, Shane had just peeked through the walls. "You cannot tell me you're alright with this!" he exclaimed. "No I'm not, but we're guests here, this isn't our land." Rick retorted. "For god's sake, these are our lives man!" "Lower your voice!" Glenn hushed. "We can't sweep this under the rug." Andrea retorted. "It ain't right, not even remote." T-Dog butted in. Shane was pacing around in pure frustration and Rick was standing there, trying to figure out what to do.

"We either gotta go in there, we gotta make things right, or we just gotta go. Now we've been talking about Fort Benning for a long time-" but Shane was interrupted by Rick. "We can't go." "Why, Rick, why?" Shane wanted to know. "Cause my daughter is still out there." Carol spoke up. This just antagonized Shane even more. After a couple of seconds to gather his thoughts, Shane said "I think it's time that we all start to just consider the other possibility..." "SHANE we're not leaving Sophia behind." "We're close to finding this girl, I just found her damn doll a few days ago!" Daryl spoke up. "You found her doll Daryl, that's what you did, you found A DOLL. " "You don't know what the hell you're talking about!" Daryl was getting angry now.

"I'm just saying what needs to be said here, now you get a good lead in the first 48 hours" I couldn't hear what Shane said next, because Rick yelled at him to shut up. Still, Shane continued. "Let me tell you something else man, if she was alive out there saw you coming, all methed out with your buck knife, geek ears around your neck, she would run in the other direction man!" That did it for Daryl, as he lunged forward to land one on Shane's face. "Come at me bro!" Shane yelled, but the group managed to pull the two apart even though there were thirsty for violence. It wasn't that hard to push Daryl back, because he was simply eying Shane with every move he made. I looked him in the eye seriously, trying to get him to focus on me, not the retard behind me. I thought Shane was being an asshole too, but we needed the group together.

"Keep your hands off me." Shane spat to Lori as he stomped away. "Let me talk to Hershel." Rick tried. "Let me figure it out." "WHAT ARE YOU GONNA FIGURE OUT!" Shane yelled furiously. Rick stayed calm. "If we're gonna stay, if we're gonna clear this barn, I have to talk him into it. This is his land!"

Dale then spoke up. "Hershel sees those things in there as people, sick people. His wife, his – his stepson." "You knew about this!" Shane looked disgusted and betrayed by the old man, as if he'd sentenced us all to death. "Yesterday, I talked to Hershel." "And you waited the night?" The sound of despise was dripping from his voice. "I thought we could survive one more night. We did." Dale declared, not fazed by the big angry bull that was waiting to pierce him with its horns. "I was waiting till this morning to say something but Glenn wanted to be the one." "This man is crazy, if Hershel thinks those things are alive..." Shane tried again, but Rick cut him off one final time "ENOUGH!"

The shouting had attracted the walkers by now as they all gathered at the barn door, wanting to be released so they could feed. Everybody scuffled back quickly, afraid that the walkers might get out, but the doors held.

"Let's just go back to camp, everybody calms down a bit, I'll go talk to Hershel and see what we can do about it." Rick said. "Well, somebody needs to guard the barn, in case anything happens. We need to be safe Rick." Shane spoke up. I had to agree with him on that. I would feel much better if someone – with a gun – would be keeping watch. "Well Shane, maybe you can do that. See if the barn is strong enough, if it can hold all the walkers inside." Rick added. Shane nodded in agreement, but I could tell he was not happy with the situation. The group went back to camp and I walked over to Glenn.

"So this was what you were talking about the other day? What Maggie didn't want us to know?" I asked softly. Glenn looked really sad. "Yeah. I can't imagine how angry she must be right now. When we went into town, she yelled at me for calling them walkers. She knows these people Jess! They're her family, neighbors and friends! And I betrayed her..." I sighed deeply, understanding the conflict that was brewing inside of him. "Well Glenn, I think you did the right thing. Personally, I'm not convinced Hershel was ever planning on letting us stay here indefinitely, I think he wants us gone. You showed your loyalty to the group. We need to be able to rely on each other, because we ain't got nobody else. Not even Maggie. I'm sorry Glenn." I hugged him, and he hugged me back. "And on top of that, those walkers are dangerous, whether they're alive or not, that doesn't matter. We're alive right now, right here, and they threaten that. You did the right thing Glenn." "It's not fair!" He spoke up. "No it's not. But go talk to her and tell her how you feel. Maybe she'll understand." I smiled softly at him. He had to try; I could see he really liked Maggie, and I thought she liked him too.

As Glenn walked away to go look for Maggie, I headed back to camp. I sat down near the fire that had been mostly extinguished. I added some more wood, blew some air, and slowly but surely the flames crept higher and higher. As I was getting a little more comfortable at the fire, I started looking around. Glenn looked down, so I was guessing his chat with Maggie didn't go well. He was on top of the Winnebago, on the look out, talking to Dale. Lori was working with Carl on some schoolwork. Rick was walking towards the house to talk to Hershel. Daryl and Carol were nowhere to be found, and Andrea just stepped out of the RV to join Shane in guarding the barn. At first impression, everything looked fine. People were safe and secure here. But as I kept looking at the faces, studying every line I could find, examining the truth behind the eyes, all I could see was worry and fear. I thought that these people trusted each other unconditionally, but when Dale sent Glenn away and left with what I could only presume was the bag of ammo, and when I saw Carl's worried face, I knew that something else was going on here entirely. These people had come together by chance, allowing themselves to care just enough so it would mean they could survive. But underneath the masks, this group was falling apart slowly at the seams. Shane and Rick, who used to be best friends, had grown apart so much, that it was almost lost beyond repair. I could see both men desperately clinging to the brotherhood they had once shared, while everyone knew it was gone. Dale didn't seem to trust Shane at all, and his fatherly worry of Andrea only drove her farther away from him. It was breaking his heart, I could see it with every glance he threw at her, but he didn't know how to fix it. I wasn't sure if it could be mended either. The falling out between Daryl and Shane this morning also hadn't helped things. Daryl seemed more determined than ever to find Sophia, just so he could prove Shane wrong. Carol was slowly losing hope, I could tell, and it was the saddest thing to witness. The mother slowly giving up on her child, fearing the worst – the desperation was dripping off of her. Somehow, Shane seemed to be at the center of every problem in this group. He had divided the camp between those who believed we needed to take action first and ask questions later, of the people who wanted a full inquiry before coming to any conclusions. Being a lawyer, my natural inclination led me to the latter group, however, I wasn't convinced that this was the right approach for this new world. Maybe we did need to put our own needs before anybody else's.

I thought about the two camps and their leaders: Rick and Shane. Rick, being the loyal, compromise finding cop, who wanted to know as much as possible before making a decision – and preferably a decision that everybody would agree with. Then there was Shane, who seemed so desperate to be a figure of power, who wanted to prove himself to everybody that he could protect everyone. But he was willing to sacrifice people for the greater good it seemed, and that was something that I was struggling with very much. I wasn't sure if he had the group's interest at heart, or simply his own. With Rick, I somehow knew that he would do everything he could to keep us all safe. That's when I made my decision to stay loyal to Rick. He'd shown me nothing but kindness, whereas Shane had been a first class dick.

I took a deep breath as I looked around the camp again. The division was so much clearer once I'd realized it was there, that I wondered why I hadn't seen it before.


	16. Chapter 15

**A/N:** Hey, somebody asked me to put in more breaklines during conversation, to make the story easier to read. It's not really my style, so it's hard for me to judge when and how to do it, but I tried. I hope it's better now, but if not, please let me know and I'll try to do it differently next time!

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When I woke up from my day dream I wanted to find Rick, but when I got out of my chair, I saw Carol stumbling back into camp with tears in her eyes. In my head that could only mean one thing: Daryl had been working his charm again. I knew there was a different side to Daryl, but his angry, lonely side was still there, popping up and hurting people around him who genuinely cared for him. I sighed, wondering if that would ever change.

I walked over to her. "Hey Carol, what's wrong? Please don't tell me that idiot Dixon's been doing his thing again?"  
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes as she sat down in her tent. I thought it would be weird if I would just keep standing there, so I sat down next to her. "Hey, it's all right." I spoke while I held her. She calmed down after a minute or two, her breath became more regular and the tears stopped dropping.  
"I stopped Daryl to go look for Sophia this morning at the barn." She suddenly said. I was confused at that proclamation, but not entirely surprised. I had come to realise that she was slowly loosing hope, learning to deal with the loss and grief that came with that.  
"Why did you tell him that? It must've upset him." I replied, trying not to sound too judgemental.  
"It did, he called me a bitch... But I think I deserved it. I told him that I wasn't sure if we were ever going to find Sophia. I couldn't help myself! I really don't know what to belief anymore, and Daryl has been nothing but kind about it, looking for her every day, risking his life for my little girl. Then he got shot and was pierced by his own arrow, I couldn't just let him go put himself in danger anymore." Her voice trailed off and I nodded my head solemnly.  
"I'm so sorry Carol for everything." I didn't know what else to say, so I just hugged her tightly and held her for a minute or two, until we both needed some personal space.

I got up and left Carol to her thoughts as I went out to search for Daryl. The fact that Daryl had been angry with Carol, whether it was legitimate or not, was another example of how this group was crumbling apart slowly but steady, and somehow I felt like I needed to fix it.

Finally I found Daryl wandering around Hershel's land all by him self. I was pretty sure his hunter's instincts had long before betrayed my pending arrival, but Daryl chose to stay silent, not acknowledging my existence.  
"Hey Daryl. I heard what happened between you and Carol. Are you all right?" I tried to be friendly with him, showed him I cared. But all I got was silence as he kept walking. I started to follow him.  
"I knew that you hadn't given up hope on Sophia. I just don't understand why you told me you had." I tried again, in the hope that this man of mystery in front of me would open up a little; show me some of his unknown territories he kept inside. This time a sigh passed his lips as he stopped walking to turn around and look at me.

"I only said that to get you fired up. Looks like it worked." I nodded at the satisfaction of getting a perfectly clear answer out of him.  
"It did, and I never got to thank you for that, so... Thanks Daryl. I owe you one."  
He huffed at that. "You owe me more than one I'd say. Now why are you constantly in my business, acting like you care?"  
His tone got defensive again, and I knew that I needed to tread carefully. I sighed and looked him in the eye.  
"Because I do care Daryl. Not just about you, about everyone. Well, maybe except Shane..." I joked, hoping this would loosen him up a little. It did, as I saw some of the wall he'd surrounded himself with disappear. His eyes gave it away. I took it as encouragement to continue.  
"I don't know if you noticed Daryl, but this group is slowly falling apart. You and Carol not talking is just another sign of that. So please, mend that while you're all still alive.  
Only God knows how long that'll last. Life's too short to regret things, especially now."  
"You sure do talk a lot." He commented.  
"I used to get paid to talk. And I used to get paid to mind other's peoples business too." I joked again. I saw a hint of a smile push through on his face and in his eyes. "Come on Daryl, go talk to Carol." I said as I pounded his shoulder softly with my fist. Another remnant of living with 4 brothers that I just couldn't seem to shake.  
"Whatever you say Nose." I chuckled at the nickname. "Nose?"  
"Yeah, because you constantly put your nose in other people's business." "Whatever Dixon. Just go." "Or what?" He retorted. "Or otherwise I'll stomp your ass." I was grinning now, an expression he returned gladly. I don't know what it was, but I felt something I identified as pride, knowing I'd made him smile.

We both headed back to camp but parted ways when I saw Rick at the barn with Shane. Not the best timing, but luck was on my side when I saw Rick walking away. "Hey Jess, what do you want?" Rick asked when I joined up with him. "Hey Rick, I need to talk to you about something. It's important."  
He looked at me, saw the look on my face that betrayed my seriousness and halted. "What's up?" "Well, you might have noticed the group is slowly falling apart..." I stopped speaking to let this sink in. After a couple of seconds I saw some faint recognition in his eyes.  
"In the end, the battle's gonna be between you and Shane. I just wanted to let you know that I got your back. You've shown me kindness, giving me a place in your group and a new purpose. You gave me a chance when you didn't have to, and I want to repay that with loyalty, for whatever it's worth. I'm really grateful for what you've done for me, and I seriously doubt it that Shane would've made the same call." I finished.  
Rick nodded slowly to show me that he'd heard me, but he took his time to try to understand the full consequences of what I'd just said. When he finally looked up, his eyes were kind and tired, but also determined. He nodded one final time and spoke "Thank you. I appreciate that." Then he walked away.

I simply stood there, looking at his back, as he was moving towards the camp. That reminded me of my own back and the pain I felt in the lower parts of it. Then I was suddenly reminded of what day it was, but I had no idea about the date. It didn't really matter anyway, because I figured what time of the month it was. I hurried over to my tent, grabbed some of the supplies Glenn had brought back for me on the first run, and just hoped with all my heart that nothing was showing yet. I also grabbed some clean clothes and I quickly walked over to Hershel's house, where we were allowed to use the washroom. I took a quick shower as well, seeing it had been a couple of days, so when I was all set and done, I felt refreshed.

By the time I came out of the house, everybody was gathered around the porch. I looked at everyone confused, and soon realised I wasn't the only one. T-Dog and Andrea came walking up, asking the questions I was wondering myself. "What's going on?"  
"Where is everyone?" Glenn replied: "You haven't seen Rick?"  
That's when I noticed he wasn't here. Andrea answered the question. "He went off with Hershel, we were supposed to leave a couple of hours ago."  
"Yeah you were, what the hell?" Daryl interjected as he and Carol arrived at the house as well. It did me good to see the two of them talking and I sent a silent nod his way. "Rick told us he was going out."  
"Dammit, isn't anybody taking this seriously? We got us a damn trail! Ah, here we go." Daryl continued as Shane walked up with the bag of ammo I'd seen Dale take out of the RV. But there was no trail of the old man and I started to get worried. I didn't trust Shane.  
"What's all this?" Daryl asked as he pointed to the bag of guns, but Shane only replied: "Are you with me man?" and gave Daryl a shotgun. Daryl seemed to get riled up next to Shane. "Time to grow up. You already go yours?" he asked Andrea, referring to her gun.  
"Yeah, where's Dale?" She inquired. "He's on his way." It was the only answer she was getting and she was worried, her face gave it away.  
T-Dog, realizing what Shane wanted, and asked the question. "I thought we couldn't carry?"  
The light went on inside my head as well: Shane was going to kill the walkers now that Rick wasn't here. "Yeah we can and we will. It's one thing standing around here picking daisies when we thought this place was supposed to be safe. Now we know it ain't. How about you man, are you gonna protect yours?" Shane asked, handing over a gun to Glenn. He took it.  
"That's it. Can you shoot?" He asked Maggie but she wouldn't have any of it. "Can you stop? If you do this, you hand out these guns, my dad will make you leave tonight."  
"Hershel is just gonna have to understand that." Shane interjected. I agreed with Maggie though, and I wanted to make my case.

"Listen Shane, don't do this. I'm not saying that what you're doing is wrong; I'm saying that how you're doing it is wrong. If you want to protect this group of people, you gotta understand that there's some rules, whether they're spoken or not. We have an agreement with Hershel that we can stay on his land for a while, but by killing the walkers, you're gonna piss all over that. You think that Hershel will simply understand we killed his family? Cause that's what they are to him! Those gun's you're carrying there work fine on walkers, they're great to keep us safe from them. But you know that if you'll go on with this, you're gonna have to use that gun of yours on Hershel? That's the only way he'll let us stay! By making him so damned scared of you that he'll agree to let us stay. And that's wrong: we shouldn't be using those guns on people Shane! We need to stick together, not grow further apart."

But nobody was listening. Fear had taken over; it showed in everybody's faces. "Well I guess that means you don't want one then," Shane replied angrily.

When I was done, Lori had come outside as well. "What is this?" "We can't leave Shane!" Carl piped up. "We ain't leaving!" Shane proclaimed. Then he turned to Carl. "Now we need to find Sophia, am I right? Now you take this Carl, and you keep your mother safe. You do whatever it takes you know how. Take the gun and do it." Shane said as he offered a pistol to the young boy.  
Lori pushed Carl to the side before he could grab a hold of the gun. "Rick said no guns, this is not your call. This is not your decision to make." The venom in her voice was as deadly as any mother protecting her child.

But just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, Rick decided to appear from the bushes with Hershel and Jimmy, and with two walkers on animal rods. "Crap." I cursed softly as I slammed my hand on the wooden fence on the porch. Shane also realized what was going on when T-Dog proclaimed "Oh shit..."

Shane started running like a mad man, and all hell broke loose.

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Please let me know if you like the nickname Daryl gave Jessica! It was so hard to come up with anything...


	17. Chapter 16

I realize it's been quite some time since my last update, and I sincerely apologize. As I think I have mentioned before, I have a tendency not to finish what I started. I hope that these two new chapters can cheer you up a little bit.

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Rick came out of the forest with Hershel and Jimmy, but the disturbing part were the two walkers they had with them. It was as if they were walking them like dogs on a leash. As soon as Shane noticed, he sprinted towards them, like a bull to a red flag. We all followed quickly, and I could feel the escalation reaching its highest point. The air was thick with fear, frustration, and anxiety.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN'? Shane yelled as he barged towards the three men and their captured walkers. "Shane just back off," Rick commanded. "Why do your people have guns?" Hershel inquiered. "ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME? YOU SEE WHAT THEY'RE HOLDING ON TO?" Shane kept on yelling. "I see _who_ I'm holding on to," Hershel replied. "Nah man, YOU DON'T!" "Shane, just let it go, then we can talk!" Rick tried, but it didn't work. I was standing with the rest of the group, as Shane went rabid. I knew that there would be only one answer to this situation, and it would be a violent one. Talking was something from the past, as Shane was forcing us to act. Daryl, T-Dog, Glenn, and Andrea had their weapons ready if one walker was to break loose.

"What do you wanna talk about Rick? These things ain't sick! They're NOT people! They're dead! They don't feel nothin', cause all they do is kill! These things right here, they're the things that killed Amy, they killed Otis, and they're gonna kill all of us."

"SHANE STOP!"

"Hey Hershel, let me ask you something. Could a living, breathing person, could they walk away form this?" As soon as Shane had asked the question, he starting filling up one of the walkers with bullets. "STOP IT!" Rick yelled, still trying to control the walker on his rod. "Three rounds to the chest, could someone who's alive just take that? Why is it still coming?" He asked before firing two more shots. "That's its heart. WHY IS IT STILL COMING?" More shots were fired, before Rick yelled, "SHANE, ENOUGH!" Shane walked up to the walker, "Yeah, you're right man, that is enough." Then from close range, he shot the walker through the head, right in front of Hershel, who looked absolutely appalled.

There was no going back now. With that last shot, Shane had openly defied Hershel's wishes. In Hershel's eyes, Shane had just murdered a neighbour, someone Hershel had known for a very long time. I stood there, trying to figure out what this meant. I wouldn't be surprised if Hershel made us leave tonight. I had to admit though, that Shane was right about the walkers. They were dangerous, and maybe this would be the only way we would be able to convince Hershel of that fact.

"ENOUGH. Risking our lives for a little girl who's GONE. ENOUGH, living next to a barn full of things that are trying to kill us. ENOUGH! Rick, it ain't like it was before. Now if y'all wanna live, if y'all wanna survive, you gotta fight for it. I'm talking about fight, right here, right now."

I realized what Shane was gonna do, as soon as he'd turned his back towards us and stomped to the barn. I took a few steps back, not ready for what was coming next.

Hershel was still stupefied by what had just occurred right in front of his eyes. Rick tried to get his attention, but it failed. Rick wanted to stop Shane from opening up the barn and needed Hershel to take the snare. Hershel seemed to be temporarily deaf and in shock, while Shane was using a pickaxe to break the locks.

"No Shane, do not do this, brother!" Rick attempted, but Shane either didn't hear him, or didn't listen. "Don't do it!" Glenn yelled as well, and even Lori tried. It didn't help. Within no-time Shane had managed to break one lock, and take off the wooden beam that prevented the doors from opening. "This is not the way!" Rick yelled, but I knew it was a lost cause. Shane riled the walkers up and then backed off. I knew what time it was: time to take a side.

Shane stood in front of the barn and aimed, waiting for the walkers to come out. I looked at the chaos that was our group. We were divided and afraid, but I was going to stand my ground on this. I had told Rick I would be loyal to him, and this was the moment to show that. Even though I was scared of the walkers, this was wrong.

The walkers came out rapidly, hungry for food, but the bullets that were fired went even faster. They kept coming, even though they shot many. People kept shooting until they were all lying on the ground with at least one bullet in their brains.

Everything was quiet after the deafening noise of guns being fired ceased. I looked back at Rick, whose revolver was still secured in its holster. I can't describe the look on his face: worry, hurt, betrayal, disbelief – it was all there. Maggie was crying, as she was trying to comfort Hershel who still had not gotten up from the ground, too stupefied to do anything. His family, friends, neighbours; they were all gone for good now, no hope of recovery left. Almost his entire life had been wiped away in less than a minute. I couldn't imagine what he must go through.

I thought it was over and I wanted to go to Dale, who had just entered the field. He looked repulsed by the image of death, and I just wanted a hug from the old man. I was near tears, although I wasn't sure why. It could be relief that we were safe for now, worry that we would have to leave the farm, or just from experiencing such a traumatic event. I felt sick to my stomach. Even though I was somewhat relieved that the threat had been dealt with, the way it had happened was too gruesome for words.

I was conflicted. On the one hand, I wanted to stay who I was. I wanted to be kind, trusting, and reasonable. But on the other hand, I new I needed to adapt in order to survive. One of the human's biggest evolutionary qualities was our ability to adapt to our surroundings, changing our patterns of behaviour when our surroundings did. But this kind of change took a heavy toll on me. I felt like I was slowly loosing my humanity. That's why I had always been so keen on talking – I felt that violence would reduce me, and others alike, to something that would be less human. That's why I was on Rick's side. But did I need to adapt, to become less human if I wanted to survive? And was that worth it? Was simply surviving worth loosing my humanity over?

While I was pondering these questions, I searched for the secluded area of Dale's arms. He held me tight while I sobbed.

I thought it was all over, but hissing and moaning sounded from the barn. More walkers. I was confident the rest of the group could manage, I didn't believe there were many left. However, nobody was prepared for what happened next. A little girl came walking out of the barn, looking at the group, almost like she was doing a threat assessment. She shovelled forward slowly, not caring that she was stepping or corpses. I heard Carol whimper as she suddenly bolted forward. "Sophia! Sophia!" She cried. Daryl caught her, before she could get too close, and the entire group stood there, dumbfounded by the scene in front of them. I started crying more when I realised this was Carol's Sophia, the little girl we had been looking for all this time. Another one of our hopes shattered, gone. Nobody could move, and Carl, who had so bravely stood up for Sophia, who wanted to find her so badly, was crying in his mother's arms. None of us seemed to be able to do what was necessary. We all knew it needed to happen, but this was simply too much to ask for.

Until Rick walked forward. Nobody stopped him, nobody defied him, nobody said anything. Even Shane was quiet, which I thought was quite the accomplishment after his yelling contest from before. Rick took out his revolver and did what had to be done.

With a final gunshot the threat was over. All the walkers dead, scattered on the dirty grounds, together with our hopes of a better future.

Final, that would be the only word I could use to describe how I felt. As Sophia fell, it seemed like it was the end. It marked the ending of a time where we still had hope that one day this would all be over. If Sophia's' death taught me one thing, it would be that hope was for those who could not face the horrible truth. This miserable world was not going to end. No matter how many we kill, there will always be more of them than of us.

Everything was quiet, except for the moans and cries from some people. Carol was heartbroken; she couldn't bear to watch any longer and ran back to the house. Beth ran over to her mother's corpse, pulling away the man that lay on top of her mom as she mourned. The sound of the cries was gut wrenching and heart breaking, but the screams that followed cut through my soul.

Apparently we hadn't killed Beth's mom, as she was snapping at Beth's arms desperate for a bite. We all ran over to free Beth from the grip her mother had on her, but Beth struggled, not wanting to believe her mother had become a monster. Finally, Andrea put an end to it all when she trashed a scythe through the walker's head.

Then, we all stood there. We didn't know what to think anymore.

Hershel, Beth, Maggie, Jimmy and Patricia walked back to the farm, to mourn the dead as a family. Somehow Shane felt that he needed to make things worse. He was harassing Hershel, claiming that he had known all along that Sophia had been in that barn, and blaming him for keeping her hidden in there. I shook my head out of frustration, not feeling the strength to deal with that jerk. I let Rick and Maggie deal with him.

I trailed behind with Dale. I had stopped crying and I needed to get myself together. "Hey Jessica, why don't we go make sure all of 'em are acutally dead?" Dale asked. I took a deep sigh, not looking forward to the task at hand, but nodded anyway. "Yeah, sounds good." I was grateful that there was something I could do. I had felt so useless as I watched the group take out the walkers. I decided to make myself more useful. There were over 20 corpses we needed to check, and we dealt with all of them.

Shane came back, followed by Rick. Rick looked around, when T-Dog spoke: "Want us to start burying?" "We need a service, Carol would want that." Andrea pitched in. "Yeah, we all want that." T-Dog agreed. "Let's dig a grave for Sophia, and Annette and Shawn over by those trees," Lori spoke, as she pointed to the same place we had the memorial for Otis. "And we'll need a truck for the bodies." "I'll go get that," Shane spoke. I hope he realised he was seriously unwanted right now. "That's a lot of digging," T-Dog claimed. "We bury the ones we love," Andrea spoke. "We burn the rest." Lori nodded, "let's get to work."

We started digging in silence. Nobody had much to say. I had never dug a grave before in my life, but it seemed so normal now that I was standing in a 6-foot deep hole. And that feeling of normalcy scared me. It shouldn't be this way! 12-year-old girls are not supposed to be eaten by walkers, they're supposed to play with their friends, be happy, and live a worry free life. I couldn't image how scared she must have been when that walker, or walkers, found her and wanted to eat her. Even Shane seemed upset. Personally, I hope he felt the worst he ever had in his whole entire life.

When we were done, Lori went to get Carol. Daryl had been with her in the RV ever since she had run off at the barn. I thought it was uncommonly kind of him, but I had learned that the two of them had a strong bond. I smiled a little at my petty self when I realized I felt a little bit jealous. Carol was closest to Daryl and I wanted that too. How silly, being fussy over a guy when we were about to bury 3 people.

Carol never showed up tot the memorial, which made me very sad. I guess Carol had come to terms with it before any of us had. Everybody was quiet; nobody spoke. To be honest, I don't think anything could have been said, which would accurately describe the loss we felt. It wasn't just about Sophia, it was about our hope as well. Now both were buried 6 feet underground.

I hugged Dale throughout the ceremony. Today, he was my rock, my shoulder to cry on. He didn't judge, he didn't try to shut me up – he simply shared in my grief. I was so grateful to have him there. I had been alone only for a short period, Keith's death still fresh in my memory, and the grief just poured out.

After about 15 minutes I couldn't cry no more. All the grief I had inside me had been temporarily washed away by the constant flow of tears, and it was like I had dried up. I was literally and figuratively empty. I took a deep breath or two to stabilize my heartbeat and untangled myself from Dale's arm. I looked the old man in his eyes, and I could see my own pain reflected in his. I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, mumbled a soft "thank you" and patted him on the arm. I would leave him be for now, I had taken up enough of his time.

I straightened out my clothes, which were dirty already from digging the graves. I sighed in frustration. I had taken a shower only hours before and put on some clean clothes, but this world had already caught up with me. I patted the dirt off as best as I could, but I was a mess. My back was hurting like nothing I'd ever felt before, and I realized that digging graves, in combination with my femininity really wasn't working that well for me right now. I was wishing for my old life, where I would just take some painkillers, a nice cup of hot tea and go to bed. I'd watch a movie and eat some chocolate or ice cream, give myself a break. But that wishing didn't do any good for my current situation, in fact, I think it only made it worse. The longing reminded me once more of all the things I had lost.

Then I remembered that I was not the only person living in this hellhole. Others were dealing with the same problems as I was. I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself. But right now, all I really needed was to be alone and take a rest.


	18. Chapter 17

I just wanted to be alone right now, so I withdrew to my tent. I had a lot I needed to think about. Everybody went his or her separate way. I figured we all needed some room to breath and think. Was it right what we had done? In a way, I couldn't help but feel relieved that there was no longer a threat, even though I hadn't been aware of it for that long. Then my thoughts drifted to the people of the camp. We had all lost things, people, but we were all still here. I was lucky to be with people who were caring enough to take me in and give me a chance.

When my mind drifted to Rick and Shane, I realized that they presented two polar opposite futures. Rick wanted a future based on our humanity, to do what's best for everybody, even if that meant that sometimes, you don't kill the walkers. Shane wanted to kill every walker out there. That's what he saw as protection. But I wondered how he would keep us safe. Because he seemed not to care if he had to sacrifice a life when it came to the protection of the group. What if, at one point, that would become my life he would sacrifice? With Rick, I had no doubt he would never ask such a sacrifice of me. He had done nothing to betray my trust. Then an old question arrived in my mind again: would I want to sacrifice my life for the group? This question stemmed from the even worse question of whether or not I wanted to live. My belief and hope for a better future grew slimmer every day - today's events only emphasized that. If I wanted to live through it all, I would have to prepare myself for days that would be worse than today; there would be an abundance of 'em. If I didn't want to try to live through it all, a sacrifice would seem to be the best way out. I would at least save other people's lives.

I couldn't decide what I wanted by just lying in my bed in my tent, and it was frustrating the hell out of me. I didn't know what I wanted, I barely knew who I was anymore. I just felt so lost in all of this. I wished one of my brothers were there with me; I wish Keith hadn't died. I wish I knew what to do.

But I didn't. However, I also figured that lying here, feeling sorry for myself was not gonna help anyone. I wondered how often I would need to tell myself that in the future, because I was already getting sick and tired of that line. For now, for as long as I didn't know what I wanted, I decided again that I'd just keep going. There was very little I could do otherwise, because I wasn't planning to shoot my brains out, that would just be a waste of ammo. _Maybe I could ask Daryl..._ but I quickly let that thought slide. I had never let anybody do the dirty work for me, and I wouldn't start now.

I laid there for a little while longer, thinking about Daryl, and how much he seemed to care about Carol. My mind went strange places when I thought up the names Darol and Caryl as acronyms, something like Bennifer or Bragelina. I tried to shake off the jealousy, but I couldn't. I liked Daryl, I couldn't say I didn't. But he was troubled, and I'd need to move slowly, like a hunter who wouldn't want to rattle a deer. It was rather unfortunate that I had no experience hunting.

The sound of a car starting shook me from my thoughts, and I decided that I had been in my tent long enough. I didn't really know what to do with myself, so I aimlessly wandered around the camp. I ended up near the well the walker had fallen into. It was covered by wood and somebody had left the message "DO NOT DRINK – CONTAMINATED" on it. I sat down near the well as I looked at the farm. It was truly beautiful, even though things were slowly turning yellow and brown.

I heard a noise behind me, and almost in a reflex and grabbed the knife I had taught myself to carry around. But as I turned around with my knife drawn, I realized it was Daryl. "Whatcha gonna do Nose? Poke me?" I grinned. "You spooked me is all. What are you doin' out here?" I asked him. "Clearing my head. But I guess this spot's been taken." "I can share." I proclaimed, as I patted on the ground next to me. Daryl hesitated, not sure what to make of the invitation, but eventually he sat down quietly. I noticed the squirrels and a hare hanging from his belt. "I see you got us some dinner." "Yup." I shook my head, smiling a little bit. I should've known better. "What? Whatcha laughing at?" He wanted to know. This made me laugh more. "Myself." I stated honestly. "And you, a little bit. I should know by now you're not one for small talk." "Ya got that right."

I decided to keep my mouth shut for the next little bit, as I admired the farm. I have to say, it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. I enjoyed his company; his mere presence was reassuring. In that short time frame I felt something I didn't expect. I felt at peace. Not happy, but grateful for the nice things that were left, such as these rare moments spent in tranquility.

"Hey Jess," Daryl started. I turned my head in response, not feeling it was necessary to actually speak. He knew he had my attention. "How do you..." his voice trailed off. I had no idea what he wanted to ask me, so I waited until he collected his thoughts. "How do you do it?" He finally asked, his voice hoarse and unsure. "Do what Daryl?" I asked softly. "How do you keep going? You saw your brother get eaten right in front of you, yet here you are, trying to survive. Why?" He seemed so conflicted. I had not expected this question from him. Daryl seemed to be stoic – not at all the type of person to wonder why we would want to survive; he just would. It was also a shock to hear that he was dealing with the exact question I had troubles with myself.

I looked at him a couple more seconds, trying to figure out an answer, but I couldn't find it in my heart to tell him what I know he needed to hear. "Honestly Daryl, I don't know. I don't know if I want to keep going. I'm slowly loosing hope of ever seeing the end of it." I took a deep breath. To say it out loud was quite confronting, and I was shocked by my own words. Daryl nodded ever so slightly, his hands playing with some of the grass in front of him. He reminded me of a little boy who just needed his mother. So I continued, wanting to make him feel better. "But I recon that I am not out here alone, and that until I know what I want, I will make sure that the people around me are safe. I am scared of what we will have to face, because I doubt that today was the end of it." I sighed, knowing that this was not making things better. "However, I do believe in taking the difficult route in life, Daryl, and death would be the easy way out. Right now, I think it would be easier to give up than continue this path, and I am not a quitter." That last sentence struck a chord somewhere deep inside me. It resonated with what I felt. A tear escaped my eyes before I realized it. "And crying of course, crying helps to get through things." I joked. Daryl chuckled softly at that last remark, but I could see he was soaking up my answer.

Then, I said something I had not expected to come out of my mouth.

"Plus, the last time I wanted to quit, when I was ready to give up and embrace death, a small miracle happened. You happened. You saved me. That is a gift, and by giving up, I would be spitting in your face."

I was avoiding his face, staring at the ground, and I could hear him shift uncomfortably besides me, not sure what to make of what I had just said.

"Why'd you ask?" I asked quickly, trying to move past the tight silence that had appeared. I had a unique opportunity to get a glimpse of Daryl's mind, and I wanted to take it. He shifted awkwardly, and I realized that if he weren't going to answer my question, I wouldn't ask it again. To pressure him would only push him away.

After a long pause, he spoke. "I tried so hard to look for Sophia and she was in that goddamn barn all along. I really thought I could find her, do something right for once in my life, but I fucked this up too." From the tone of his voice I could tell he was hurting real bad, even though he was trying hard to mask it. "Lori came to me before, wanted me to go look for Hershel in town. She called me selfish when I said I didn't wanna do it. You wanna know the truth? I was scared I was gonna screw up again." I put my hand on his shoulder to let him know I was there for him. There was nothing I could do about his guilt; he needed to deal with it on his own. But I was silently grateful that he had opened up.

A couple more minutes passed in silence as Daryl's head hung low. I figured he had spent enough time blaming himself, so I stood up. "Come on Daryl, you've been down there long enough. I think I know what you need. Up you go!" I tried to softly get him up. He initially didn't feel like it, but after some nudging and tickling (who'd have thought Daryl Dixon was ticklish?) he finally got up. He didn't look too pleased, but I sent him a smile that gave him no other choice but to smile back, whether he wanted to or not. Truthfully, it was a silly trick my mom had used on me many times if ever I was angry or hard headed. You make a silly face, raise you thumb and tell the person that they should "smile at my thumb!" Works every time, even though you might get some awkward stares as well. It always breaks the ice.

I walked with him to my tent and I sat down in it. He raised an eyebrow, but I just sighed as I rummaged through my stuff to find what I was looking for. "Not that, idiot. Here, I thought you could use this." I spoke as I held what I had been looking for up my hand: the bottle of whiskey that I had kept to myself after I joined the group. Daryl looked at the bottle and nearly broke my fingers when he grabbed it from me. He twisted the cap off with great ease and took a swig. He sighed in content when he was done, passing the bottle back to me. "Come, sit down, and we'll drink together. I'd say today is a good day to get wasted." I took a sip myself. I wasn't a big fan of whiskey, I'd never really learned to drink it, but it was the best thing we had available so I shouldn't complain. Besides, this was the last possession I had left that used to belong to my dad, so I figured it would be an appropriate time to get rid of it.

"Wait a sec," Daryl said as he moved away from my tent. When he came back, the squirrels and hare were gone, as well as his crossbow. He sat down next to me, after closing the tent zipper, and sat down on the ground next to me, our backs using my cot for support.

We drank without speaking, simply enjoying each others' company. When we were about halfway done with the bottle – Daryl drank the most of it – I started to feel intoxicated. "I think I should stop here." "Stop being so tight ass, Nose, and let loose a little. I wanna see how red your face can get!" Daryl proclaimed with a slight slur. I wanted to be reasonable, but other factors started to sink in. The fact that I was alone in a tent with Daryl, and the fact that I tend to get horny when I'm under the influence of alcohol didn't help my decision-making. But the look in his eyes when he pleaded me not to stop had my heart melting, so I quickly took another swig before I changed my mind. "That's my girl." I giggled at that.

Daryl and I had never acted this way before in each others' presence, but it was nice. I felt free of judgement and worry. I could just sit here, be silly and not have to think about all the bad stuff that was going on in the world. Right now, my world existed of only Daryl and myself, and it was pure bliss.

"Hey Daryl, can I ask you something?" Daryl and I had spent hours in the tent, talking or just enjoying the company. The bottle of whiskey was almost empty. The less whiskey was in the bottle, the longer it took us to change that. Outside my tent the sun had started to set, but we barely had paid any attention to that. Everything outside my tent was outside of our little bubble, and simply not worth our attention. I was pretty far gone, far enough to be beyond reason. "Shoot Jess," he replied. "You know what I always wanted to know about you?" Daryl seemed less affected by the alcohol than I was, even though he'd had more. He cocked an eyebrow at me, signalling he was waiting for me to ask the question. "I really want to know..." I managed to say before I burst out in giggles. I buried my face in my hands out of shame because I was being so silly, and my hair covered the rest. Daryl softly brushed the hair away and made me look up at him. He had a drunken grin plastered on his face, and is eyes were burning with curiosity. I giggled some more, before I tried to compose myself. I coughed, took a deep breath and sat up straight. It didn't work, because before I knew it I was giggling again. I felt so sheepish, but somehow I new Daryl wasn't judging me. "Come on Nose, don't keep me waitin'! I'm dyin' over here." He pleaded, his face pouting. I'd never expect to see that face coming from Daryl and I was shocked to see he was so open and casual right now. It made me happy to see him carefree, even if he was drunk.

I finally managed so compose myself, and my voice got soft. "I was wondering..." I sighed deeply, looking down nervously as I played with my fingers. Daryl lifted up my chin with one hand. "Tell me Jess." He looked so serious now, as he was staring in my eyes. I couldn't bring myself to ask the question. "I just wondered how you learned to hunt." I sighed, disappointed slightly with myself. But it wasn't a bad cover-up question, and at least it would get Daryl to talk about himself.

"I learned it growing up. We lived in the mountains, my pop, Merle and I. Hunting was the best way to get meat. My dad and Merle taught me, but my senses were better than the both of them. Soon, the meat became my responsibility. I grew up in the woods, I know the woods. The hunt is just part of my life." He finished. "You know, you look so damn sexy with that crossbow of yours." It was out before I realized it and my eyes went wide. Daryl just looked stupefied and I started laughing real hard at the situation. "Oh I'm sorry Daryl, I didn't mean to say that." I said, while I patted his upper arm for consolation. Daryl looked uncomfortable receiving such a compliment, and he was rubbing the back of his head. "I'm sorry Daryl, I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable." I grew upset, and sobriety kicked in. The one thing that I didn't want to do, I had just managed to accomplish: get Daryl to feel self-conscious.

Suddenly, Daryl grinned up at me, a mischievous look in his eyes. "So you think I'm sexy, huh?" My face became beet red at this statement. I was at a loss for words as Daryl's face slowly moved its way to mine. "You know what I think you'd look sexy in?" I started to see his game play here and there was enough alcohol lift in my system for me to play along. I raised an eyebrow, returning that playful look as I leaned back, avoiding his face as a tease. Daryl came closer, and was now hovering over me. I could feel my heart beating faster, as my wish for lip contact grew bigger. "What would that be?" I replied in a tone I was hoping sounded sexy. Daryl stared at me long and hard before he replied. "Nothing."

He'd barely spoken the word or his lips came crashing down on mine. I barely had time to register, but I immediately knew that it felt so good. The physical contact, the closeness of his body to mine; it was just what I needed.

I was lying flat on the ground as Daryl kissed me. My hands roamed through his hair and quickly found the collar of his plaid, sleeveless shirt. He didn't hesitate one moment and took it off in one swift move, his lips never leaving mine. Soon, he started tugging at the bottom of my shirt. I got the hint and I took it off over my head. He didn't like the intermission very much, because his lips returned to mine in an instant, even fiercer than before.

He was still wearing his wife beater, and I was anxious to get it off. But when I move it up, his hands suddenly stopped me. I looked up from the kiss and his face had a sorrowful look on it, etched with pain and shame. I placed my hands on his cheeks and kissed his mouth softly. "Let's stop here. I just remembered that today is really not the best day to do this..."

Daryl looked at me confused, and the previous feelings that were there, the ones of shame and pain, were quickly replaced by anger. I knew it was his way to cope, but it hurt non-the less. "Daryl, it's not that I don't want this, it's just..." He seemed sober now, completely aware of the rejection. "It's just that I'm not good enough for ya, is that it?" Daryl was really getting riled up now, and I'd had too much alcohol for me to come up with the right response. "No Daryl! No!" But it was too late. Daryl had put his shirt and shoes back on, and stormed off into the dark night. It seems like nobody was at the camp, and somewhere in my mind I figured that at least I should be grateful for that.


	19. Chapter 18

When I woke up the next morning my head felt like it had been run over by a tank. I grabbed one of the water bottles I kept next to my bed at night and gulped it down. Slowly, the events form the night before rushed back to me, and I grunted when I remembered the look on Daryl's face when I told him I couldn't go through with it. My period could not have come at a worse time, and I felt guilty for something I had not control over. In my reasonably sober state, it was easier to understand why Daryl had responded the way he did. He seemed to have low self esteem, so when I told him to stop after he'd let his guard down, he felt like I betrayed him, had played with him. I sighed and got up, not feeling slightly capable of dealing with this after last night had been so amazing. I wondered silently how I was going to fix this.

I put on some clothes, including the worn down John Deere trucker hat I'd found to protect my eyes from the sun. I needed water, and lots of it, quickly. Dale was on the lookout, and I grumbled in response when he bid me a good morning. I walked to our water supply and filled a bottle, which I quickly drank. I refilled it, drinking more slowly now. I walked back towards the RV, finally ready to take on the day.

"Have you heard?" Dale asked me. I looked up at him confused. "No? What happened? I turned in early last night." Being good at bending the truth was an unfortunate side effect of my job, but it was helpful in these situations. However, I couldn't escape the feeling that Dale knew something more was going on. If he did, at least he didn't show it, and I was grateful.

"Well, quite a lot actually. After the massacre at the barn yesterday Hershel went into town to get drunk. Rick and Glenn went after him, because Beth had gone into shock and they needed Hershel's medical help. When they didn't come back, Lori went after them and got into a car accident. She nearly got eaten, but Shane saved her. The men are still not back yet, so Shane, Andrea and Daryl are gonna go out to look for them."

I nearly chocked on the sip of water I just swallowed as Dale sprung the new on me. I guess a lot could happen in one night, and it made me feel quite guilty when I thought back to the way I had spent the night. Here they all were, worrying for each others' lives, while I was shacking it up. I let the news sink in, but so many questions came to mind. "How's Beth doing? And Lori?" "Not sure. Beth's situation is not life threatening I think, but from what I heard she doesn't eat or interact with people. It seems like her mind just shut down. Poor girl. She just needs her daddy and a good home cooked meal. And Lori is gonna be fine, she tougher than you'd give her credit for."

Then Shane, T-Dog and Daryl came out of the house and walked to the car. I wasn't sure how to handle seeing Daryl after last night, but he didn't give anything away. Hell, he didn't even look at me as he loaded a shotgun and filled up a car with supplies for their run. I guess I deserved that. I went inside the house and went to the washroom to take care of business.

When I came back out, Dale was trying to talk Andrea out of going. However, before anybody had been able to get into the car, a red car came speeding down the driveway. As soon as we realized it was our group we all relieved tension. Carl and Lori ran into his arms the minute Rick got out of the car. Maggie was so relieved to see Glenn that she ran straight pas Hershel into the young man's arms. Glenn replied with a light shove, pushing Maggie away from him, leaving her stumped. Hershel told Patricia to prepare the shed for surgery. Hugs were exchanged, and we were all relieved to see our friends returned safely.

Yet Hershel's remark about surgery confused me. Nobody of our group seemed injured, so why would we need surgery? T-Dog, with his knack for discovering unwanted situations, suddenly spooked the entire group when he proclaimed: "Who the hell is that!" We all looked up, but Glenn answered: "That's Randall." Glenn seemed to be unfazed by the fact that there was a young man blindfolded and tied up in the back of the truck who, by the looks of it, was unconscious. I stared at Glenn with my mouth open for a second or two, trying to figure out what the hell happened that Glenn was so distanced or why they had an injured stranger tied up in the back of the car.

Everybody was confused, but Shane looked downright pissed. I could only assume it because of was Rick's decision to bring the man into our camp. The two of them stared at each other, and I could just feel another conflict rising to the surface. I sighed, not ready for yet another testosterone fed dispute between the two alpha males. Frankly, I was getting sick and tired over the conflict that both Rick and Shane seemed to be begging for. Even though I sided with Rick, I couldn't help but notice that this was yet again another decision that I could have predicted wouldn't go well with Shane, yet Rick did it anyway. I don't want to put blame on anybody, but in conflict management one of the key things to keep in mind is that, when you finally reached some sort of an agreement, it's best _not_ to antagonize the opposite party afterwards. You can count on the shit to really hit the fan, and even though this might have been best for Rick's conscience, it definitely would only lead to more trouble in the group.

We all went inside the house to discuss our new captor. We all settled down around the dinner table quietly. I was trying to wrap my head around this new development, and I could see others struggling with it as well. I was standing near the kitchen entrance, waiting for someone to start speaking, when I noticed that Daryl wasn't here. That made me curious, because I was sure he'd have an opinion about it.

Rick started talking, as I had expected him to, explaining his decision. "We couldn't just leave him behind. He would've bled out. If he lived that long." Glenn interjected; "It's gotten bad in town." Walkers. Walkers had taken over town; it wouldn't be safe to go back there. That was a huge loss.

Then Andrea asked the question we were all thinking: "What do we do with him?" But she hadn't asked the question, or Hershel came into the room. "I repaired his calf muscle as best as I can, but he'll probably have nerve damage. He won't be on his feet for at least a week." Another thing none of us wanted to hear; especially Shane looked pissed.

Rick started again, "When he is, we give him a canteen, we take him out to the main road, send him on his way." His comment led to immediate protest by Andrea, which I had to agree with. "Isn't that the same as leaving him for the walkers?"

The front door opened and Daryl came in. He was wearing a leather jacket that accentuated his toned body, but before I could think how good he looked, his face was throwing daggers at me. I gulped a little and brought my attention back to the table. He could be really intimidating.

Nobody actually noticed the moment we were having right there, and Rick continued. "He'll have a fighting chance." Then Shane got real frustrated.

"You're just gonna let him go? He knows where we are!"

Rick had his answer ready. "He was blindfolded the whole way here, he's not a threat."

Shane huffed. "Not a threat? How many of them were there? You kill three of their men, you took one of 'em hostage, but they just ain't gonna come looking for 'em." It was clear he was not convinced by Rick's arguments, and I couldn't help but worry about the same thing. If he was with a group, they wouldn't take too kindly to all the shit that happened last night.

"They left him for dead. No-one is looking." Rick said.

"We should still post a guard." The suggestion T-Dog made was one more people seemed to like.

Hershel spoke up. "He's out cold right now, will be for hours." Rick and T-Dog nodded, realizing we wouldn't need surveillance just yet.

That last remark pulled Shane's last straw though. "You know, I'm gonna go get him some flowers and candy." He spoke, as he walked out the room. "Look at this folks, we're back in fantasy land!"

Then Hershel stood up to him. "We haven't even dealt with what you did at my barn yet. Let me make this perfectly clear once and for all: this is my farm. Now, I wanted you gone, but Rick talked me out of it. That doesn't mean I have to like it. So do us both a favour; keep your mouth shut."

I tried to keep the smile to myself as Hershel told Shane off, but it was very satisfying to see someone other than Rick stand up against Shane. Shane walked out, full of frustration. "Look, we're not gonna do anything about it today, let's just cool off." Rick spoke to Hershel, and we all saw that as our cue to leave and get back to business. I was watching closely as people dispersed, observing the tensions visible. Maggie went after Glenn, who looked deeply troubled, and Carol went after Daryl.

I stayed put, not sure what I should be doing, feeling completely lost in the chaos.

* * *

The following day it was decided that they were gonna take Randall far away from camp and then set him loose. Shane and Rick were put on that task. I was hopeful that this could some reconciliation between them, but at the same time I gave it a fat chance.

In the meantime, Beth was still not waking up from her shock properly. I checked in with her twice, and she just lay there, staring at the ceiling, seemingly completely oblivious to the outside world. I took one of her hands in mine, rubbing it softly with my thumb. She seemed so fragile and innocent it nearly broke my heart. Then it dawned on me how young she must be; not even close to 18 and already having witnessed so much suffering. Carl seemed to be handling it better, but he seemed to be just as strong as his mom and dad. Beth was raised in a protective circle, so I was guessing this was all the more shocking to her.

I sat with Beth for about half an hour when Hershel and Maggie can in to check up on her. I quietly left the room and went to the washroom. My period was finally over and I was grateful that I wouldn't have to think about it for another 3 weeks, but I also figured that this whole womanhood thing was gonna be an even bigger pain than usual. I splashed some water in my face and stared at myself in the mirror. It had been a while since I'd taken a closer look and there was one expression plastered on my face: tiredness. I had bags under my eyes, my skin looked pale and dull; it was not a healthy look, but I guess being on the run from flesh eating zombies would do that to you.

With another deep breath and splash of water, I exited the washroom and house and moved to my tent. I wanted to put on some clean clothes and then find Daryl. We hadn't spoken since our drunken episode, and the friction between us was really starting to bug me. All contact we'd shared was him glaring daggers at me.

After my change of clothes I stepped out and started walking around. I strapped my knife back on my belt, which was becoming looser by the week. I also grabbed a bottle of water, because I knew this could take a while, especially if Daryl didn't want to be found. I walked to Andrea who was staking out on the RV. "Have you seen Daryl anywhere? I need to talk to him." She got up out of the chair and leaned over the edge of the Winnebago to look at me, eying me. We weren't enemies anymore, but we weren't exactly friendly either. "Yeah, I think I saw him head out into the woods a while back, looked like he went hunting." I cursed under my breath. Of course, I should've known. I didn't want Andrea to get suspicious, so I gave her a tired smile. "Thanks."

Turning into the opposite direction, I tried to decide on what I wanted to do. Should I go after him into those dangerous woods? Or should I just wait until he's done? I wasn't a good tracker, so the chances that I would actually find him were slim to none. I figured I would walk by his tent; see if by some sort of luck he'd be there. Otherwise, I'd go keep Glenn company or go do some laundry – laundry always needed to be done.

As I was walking to Daryl's tent, I thought about what I should say to him. Should I explain that I didn't want to have sex with him because I was on my period or would that only freak him out more? I didn't know how else I could explain to him that I hadn't rejected him because of whatever reason he'd put in his own head. If anything I had only been more attracted to him after that night of drinking. Some of his external, cold layers had been peeled of and it showed a more gentle and softer man inside. I had never seen him so carefree as I had that night, and I felt incredibly guilty for making him think I rejected him, which resulted in an even bigger wall drawn around him. I did not know if I would be able to show himself to me like he had – if he would allow me to peel off those layers like excess skin and to make him understand that I cared about him.

I still couldn't believe that I had developed a crush on this man; that I allowed myself to feel anything towards the people around me. Something told me that I was acting this way on instinct, as if I somehow knew deep inside that opening up to these people would help me stay alive. I hadn't really opened up to anyone new in my life in years. The only committed relationship I had been involved in was my studies. I didn't go to the best university to study law in, so I needed to make up for that by getting straight A's in all of my classes. I was also an active member of several clubs on campus, including the Law Club, the Women in Leadership Club and the Women in Law club. Besides that, I volunteered at the Women's Centre on campus, as well as with Legal Assistance for Students, a campus charity organization that aided students who needed help with legal issues. I had been on the Dean's list, and was slowly realizing that I didn't need a Harvard degree. Not that it would help me in this messed up world anyway.

By the time I made it to Daryl's tent I still hadn't figured out what I wanted to say, so I guess it was fortunate enough for me that he wasn't there. I sighed with relief, while at the same time the knot it my stomach grew. I hated to postpone things. If something needed to be done, especially something I wasn't looking forward to, such as having a sober and personal conversation with Daryl, I just wanted to get it over and done with. At least I had some more time to figure out what to do with myself as the contradictions within myself kept piling up.

I found my way back to the main campground, while in my head still trying to figure out what I wanted. Apparently I was so deep in thought that I bumped into Glenn. Just the man I wanted to see.

"Oops, sorry buddy, didn't see you there! How're you doing?" I asked him with a smile on my face. Glenn simply shrugged his shoulders, as he kept moving. I frowned a little; this wasn't the Glenn that I was used to. After a short chase, because damn he was walking fast, I caught up with him.

"Hey, Glenn wait up. Wanna tell me what's going to that clever brain of yours?" Maybe flattery would help.

With a deep sigh Glenn came to a halt. "It's Maggie. But it's not, it's me."

Seeing the conflicted look on his face, I figured I'd just let him finish talking before I intervened. "Two nights ago, the night Hershel disappeared into town and the night we picked Randall up, we had this altercation with another group." I nodded, to show him I was listening. "Rick and Hershel... They were so quick on their feet. They acted rationally in a really crappy situation, while I just... Froze up."

I put my hand on Glenn's shoulder. I could see where he was going with this, but I still remained quiet. This was his story to tell.

"All I could think about was Maggie; her face kept flashing in front of my eyes and the fear of losing her made me choke. And that put the rest in danger... I wasn't an asset that night, I was the liability."

Glenn closed his eyes, trying to fight back the tears, anger and frustration. I gave him a tight hug to reassure him I was there for him.

"Hey Glenn, come on. You can be strong all the time, we're all allowed our moments of weakness." I tried to console him.

"But my weakness then and there could have gotten us killed!"

"I understand Glenn, but nobody got hurt right? You all came back to us alive and safe."

"But what if –" he continued, but I interrupted him.

"No what if's. If I were to count every 'what if' I could have stuttered out in my life I could talk you to death and it won't change a damn thing. Asking yourself that question will only lead to more doubt, when right now we need you to come back from that. Nobody died; nothing's your fault. Why don't you tell Maggie how you feel and see what she has to say about it?"

That last comment made a real sad look appear on his face. "What did you do Glenn?"

"After the meeting about Randall she wanted to talk to me and I... I pushed her away. We haven't really spoken since."

I sighed. "You big doofus. Don't you see she cares about you too? You're not the only one entitled to care you know." I tried to joke. "Go to her and apologize. Give her a big smooch. Then cuddle her till she's half her size. Let her know you care and that it's not her fault. It kinda sounds like you were blaming her for how you feel about her. That's not fair."

Glenn looked up after staring to the ground for several seconds. He slowly nodded his head and a more resolute look appeared on his face. "Thanks Jess. That's just what I needed to hear."

"No worries bud, that's what I'm here for."

As soon as we were done talking, Glenn walked over to the house to talk to Maggie.

I was once again alone and left with my thoughts. Daryl still hadn't returned from the hunt and it left me anxious, especially since the time waiting for him was spent in going over my emotions and feelings for the guy. I liked him, although he was stubborn and frustrating as hell. I also wouldn't mind him ripping of my clothes and having his way with me. But I was fairly certain that it didn't go any further than that. I cared about him, yes, but I cared about almost everyone in the camp – I was alive because of their kindness. I just didn't see myself getting attached to Daryl though. I was used to my independence and had never relied on other people to survive, so this whole group/pact thing we had going for us was still new to me. I also knew that I shouldn't get too attached to anyone in our camp because the chance was rather big that they would die soon.

All these things were running through my head, but after a couple of minutes I understood the essence of it: I was attracted to Daryl, we were both human and needed to get off, and we were all on the clock here. Those three fundamental points stood out from all the rest and it made my other choices much easier as well. I needed to get grounded again. I had been so wrapped up in all this emotional, philosophical talk that I seemed to have forgotten about one simple thing: survival. We were alive, and no matter how shitty things got, or how tough some decisions would be, that was all that mattered. Our lives were a sign of strength, passion and some luck, and I would be damned if I would give that up.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that I was pulling myself together because of Daryl, but I didn't care. Survival was survival; it didn't really matter why, as long as we survived. The question of how would be one we'd get an answer for sooner than I expected.


End file.
